Not liking this one bit! Warning, very negative post.

For the past couple of days, I have just been plain mad!!! I don't like to be a mean spirited, negative person, but that's all that I've been lately. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. At who? I don't know: God, the doctors, me, other people who take their blessings for granted? I'm mad, but I can't pinpoint about what or at whom.
I'm mad at me. We weren't planning this second pregnancy like we tried so hard for Ava. Why didn't I celebrate like the first pregnancy. I was a ball of stress worrying about Ava, selling our house, and how my work schedule would affect my new family. Why did I worry about all of these little things, and not truly enjoy every moment I had with a sweet miracle inside of me. Or was it my fault? Did I stand too long in the shower? Was I not proactive enough to save my own child? Why didn't I speak up?
I'm mad at the doctors. Not really mad at my doctors. They always made room for me right away whenever I had more bleeding and cramping than usual. They calmed my fears and cried with me. I'm more mad at the unprofessional attitudes some doctors have. I don't know if it just a small town doctor or just lack of good bedside manner. I just wanted to scream, "Lady, I just went through labor and gave birth to my daughter at home. She may have came early, but she still was a baby. She had fingernails, eyelashes, and a little peach fuzz for hair. Is a smile, hug, or squeeze of a hand too much to ask for? Ask me about my pain both physically and emotionally. Don't tell me I can try again and at least this wasn't my first pregnancy. I don't want different baby. I want MY baby! And even though I have a beautiful little one at home, doesn't mean it makes it any better."
I hate to say it, but I'm mad at God too. Why did He do this to us? I've always believed in God, but working at my job has definitely opened my eyes to things. From all of the losses that I have seen first hand, I became very aware of God's presence. Then how could He give me one more, huge burden to bare? There are people in this world that do truly evil things, and they have many, many babies. There are women who drink and do drugs while pregnant and still He gives them these beautiful gifts. I watched what I ate, drank plenty of water, got lots of rest, and didn't drink any caffeine trying to give my girl the best start that I could. Why does such unfair things happen to good people and the ungrateful are blessed?
That leads me into the ungrateful. How can people be so selfish? They take for granted of their pregnancies. They don't take care of themselves, harm their babies, or even worse, terminate a perfect life. How can they do that when I would give anything to be in their place?
Sorry for the rant, but I am just so mad! I hate being so negative, but their are somethings that just aren't fare. I hate this so much right now, I don't know what to do.

Bitter Sweet

I have had a hard time sleeping lately. After Danny goes to bed, I just lay there and think. Once I do get to sleep, I have the most vivid dreams. I dream of Gracie. Last night I dreamt that they made a mistake, and Gracie was fine. She was perfect, and we could take her home. I held her in my arms, nursed her, and watched her with her big sister. Then I wake up and have to remind myself what happened. Does she see how hard this is for me and is trying to comfort me? To tell me that she is ok and is being loved on by Jesus and all of our family and friends that are with her? I feel so great in the dreams and then everything comes crashing down when I wake up.
Ok, need to be positive. I guess in my dreams is my chance to be a mother to Gracie, to feel her, touch her, kiss her, and for her to just be mine. When I was pregnant, I was always worried about Ava the most. I was worried that she would suffer by not getting the same attention, love, and time. I don't have to worry about that anymore. I have Ava all to myself during the day and my angel with me in my dreams.

Coloring Easter Eggs

This past weekend, we colored our Easter eggs. Ava loved it! I'm hoping the weather will cooperate this weekend so we can have our Easter egg hunt outside. You may want to look at the pictures from the bottom up. I got a new computer, and it's taking me a while to figure everything out. Enjoy!

We'll see

Well today is Danny's first day back to work. I was dreading it the whole day yesterday. I asked Danny how he felt about it, and he just said he was bummed about going back to work. He was quiet most of the day yesterday, and if you know him at all that is so not like him. I just hope he doesn't try to be strong for me and keep everything bottled up.
Last night was a little rough for both of us. We both kept waking up during the night. It's hard to believe that it has already been a week since we lost Gracie. I woke up last night right before the time I had her last week. It's already been a week since I rode in the ambulance with my baby girl in my arms. Time goes by so fast but so slow at the same time.
We brought Gracie's ashes home this weekend. I was surprised how much better it made me feel. I know that her little body was "empty" because her beautiful soul is in Heaven, but it really bothered me knowing her body was by herself with no one who loved her.
We are trying to get back into the swing of things. Yesterday we colored Easter eggs. Ava loved it! I got some pictures, so I'll try to post them soon. This has definitely opened our eyes to the "little" moments that are so huge and important to both Danny and I.
Speaking of Easter, I am dreading it. We usually do a lot with our families. I am the type of person that I'm fine until someone brings our loss up and I'm a bawl baby mess after that. I have been trying to keep my distance from everyone lately. Don't get me wrong, all of the messages, cards, emails, and flowers have helped so much. I just can't seem to face anyone. I can tell people want to say things, but don't quite know what to say. I totally understand, but I would just rather stay at home. It's weird but I find it harder to be around the family members that I'm closer to rather than people I occasionally see. I think it is because they are all hurting right along with me, and I don't want them to hurt. Again, it's just going to be day by day.
Several people have asked how Ava is doing. Luckily, the only time she heard about her baby sister was during conversation with family. We didn't' think she would understand until right before Gracie was born, so we really didn't talk to her about being a big sister. She slept through everything that night thank goodness! What was really hard was I had ordered a Katy Duck big sister book to put in her Easter basket. The day I got released from the hospital, there it was in our mailbox. That was really hard, but I'm just going to save it because Ava will be a big sister again sometime.

Bad mood bears

Yesterday was another bad day for me. Not only was I gloomy, but I started to get plain mad. Yes I may be a little sensitive these days, but I can't believe what people say in front of me. No I don't want to hear about someone else getting pregnant, how there pregnancy is going, or pick out a baby shower gift from their registry. I am by no means mad at other women who are pregnant or just had a baby, just merely jealous and it brings up the empty dreams that I once had. But please people use your heads, I really don't want to hear about it yet.
Another thing that has really been making me mad is peoples reactions to what we are doing with any memorial gifts we receive for Gracie. We want to plant a memorial garden. These are the responses I get: "Don't you think you are over doing it a little?" and "Why are you doing all of this, you don't even have any memories of her." Yep, this is really what I have been hearing. No we are not over doing it. She was our baby. We have four months of memories and a lifetime full of dreams for her.
I have to say, we have had amazing support overall. I just wish people would think before they say things. Ok, enough with my ranting. On a better note, we are starting to plan a memorial garden for Gracie. We are running into problems though because we aren't planning on staying in this house forever. I'm trying to come up with some ideas for a garden that includes only planted flowers and a tree. I don't want it to look goddy, and I'm not very creative so we are a little stumped right now. Any suggestions or ideas would be greatly appreciated at this point..

Not much I can say for yesterday

Yesterday started off pretty good. I got to hold my girl one last time on this earth and spent the day with my hubby and Ava. Later in the afternoon, I went out grocery shopping. There were newborns and pregnant women everywhere. I totally lost my focus, grabbed what I had to, and got out of there as fast as I could. After that, I was a complete mess for the rest of the day. I simply couldn't function. All I wanted to do is lay in bed and cry, which I did. Danny and I had originally planned to have a date night last night. He said we didn't have to go, but by late evening I worked up the gusto to at least go out to eat. We brought Ava with us too because I have been really paranoid lately that if Ava or Danny is away from me, something bad will happen to them. Totally crazy, I know. Anyway we got to the restaurant and there sitting right in my line of vision was a brand new baby girl. My heart sank, my appetite vanished, and I couldn't think of anything else but what I would be missing out on come September. Danny didn't know what I was seeing until we were walking out. I have never seen him scoop Ava up and walk out so fast in my life. There was a fried of his sitting behind the family, and he didn't even acknowledge them. I think he just wanted to get out of there as much as I did. It's something that we will just have to get used to. I'm really worried about going back to work. There are babies, losses of babies, and pregnant coworkers everywhere. This is definitely harder than I thought it would be.

Back to me

Yesterday we went back to the funeral home to finalize some things. After we were done with things the funeral director asked if I wanted to hold Gracie one last time. Yes I wanted to. I think Danny was a little nervous because he didn't want me to get upset if she didn't look the same. When he came back with her, she was wrapped so sweetly in a little blanket. She still looked absolutely perfect. I held her one last time, counted every finger and toe, and just talked to her. I had no idea how much this would mean to me and how much more closure it gave.
With Danny having such a bad day the day before and me loving to get to hold my girl, I thought the day would be ok. Oh how wrong I was. By evening, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The feelings and memories came flooding back like it had just happened. Like always, Danny was there for me. I can't tell you how much he has helped me through all of this. I'm dreading him going back to work next week. I guess I'll just have to take it day by day like I have been.
Thanks again for everyone who has sent cards, flowers, food, and encouraging words. You have no idea how much this has helped us through this.

Taking turns

Well, it seems like Danny and I have been taking turns having our bad days. The first two days were definitely mine, but yesterday was Danny's turn. He is such a strong man, and it was hard to see him mourn. This is something that we will just have to take day by day and sometimes even minute by minute.
I went to see my OB yesterday for the first time since we lost Gracie. I was dreading sitting in that waiting room full of pregnant women and strollers full of little ones. All I could think was, "this should be me". Once I got in the exam room, peace just flooded me. I absolutely love my OB. She cried right along with me. It was like she could read my mind. I didn't even have to open my mouth, and she was already discussing my next concern. She said that losing Gracie shouldn't have happened. We are going to be doing some genetic testing. This is so weird, but I am hoping there was a genetic reason why God took her from us so soon. At least that would give me some closure. If not, we will just face that when it comes.
Today we are going back to the funeral home to finalize everything. I hope today is a better day, but we will just have to wait and see. I loved what Danny said to me last night, "it will never be better, it will just be different." How absolutely true.
Thanks to everyone who is still offering support, encouraging words, thoughts, and prayers. Without them, we could not be handling this as well as we have.

Some hard parts

So I thought I was on the road to being a little more positive. I guess that trip is being postponed for a little bit. After a night full of vivid, heartbreaking dreams, I woke up in a cloud of doom and gloom.
There are some things that no one tells you about or prepares you for. I couldn't believe how perfectly formed Gracie was. She was a little baby, and I think that makes things harder. I counted every toe and every finger. They were normal, they were perfect.
Another thing I wasn't ready for, breast milk. The thought never crossed my mind. With Ava, this was part of my greatest memories in those early days. There is nothing like bonding with your little one while they are nursing. So here I am, making milk and my arms ache for her.
Ok, I'm done for now. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

One day at a time...

Wow, I can't believe how hard this is. I couldn't get to sleep last night, I just wasn't tired. You would think I would be exhausted not sleeping for over 36 hours, but I wasn't. I just replaying everything that had happened. I did manage to get four hours of sleep or so. The horrible part was when I woke up, I didn't realize right away that I wasn't pregnant anymore. Then all of the feelings and memories came flooding back from the night before. I can't explain the feeling of one day feeling your baby moving inside of you to the next day being literally "empty".
It's weird, but all I want to do is be around Danny. I haven't been that way since we first started dating. I think he has noticed because he's taking the week off to stay home with me. I always try to find some kind of good in everything that is bad, so I guess I just found one. This has brought the two of us closer together than ever before.
Today we went to the funeral home. At the hospital they offered to have her cremated and put in a "common grave". They said all of the amputations are put in the same place together. The location would be unknown. I couldn't imagine miss Gracie together with a bunch of arms and legs, so we decided to make our own arrangements. I was dreading going to the funeral home, and I could tell Danny didn't want to do it either. Once we got there, it wasn't that bad at all. We made all of the arrangements and picked out everything we wanted. It was like a huge burden was lifted off of us when we left.
I definitely have my ups and downs. One minute I'll be laughing with Danny and the next, I'll be crying. It's so hard to explain how devastating it is. I never thought it would be so hard considering I never saw the baby, but she was my baby.
I also can't believe some of the things people say to you. "I know how you feel" (I don't mind this when they really do know how I feel, but if you've never lost a child, you don't know how it feels.) "You still have one child." "You can have another baby." Most likely people just aren't sure what to say because I've been in that position when you want to comfort, but you really don't know what to say.
I have been asked when we will try again. I honestly don't know. I do feel like I want to be pregnant again, but I think that's just to try to overshadow the pain I'm having right now. I do want to have another child. I don't know if it will be sooner rather than later. I was getting fond of the idea of having kids that were closer in age. It may be a long way down the road, too. I think I would be a nervous wreck the whole time, and I really don't know what I would do if I had to do this again.
I follow another website of this amazing, inspirational woman/mother. She does "birth stories". I love this idea. Even though this wasn't planned to happen this way, Gracie still has her very own "birth story". I'm sure sometime I will sit down and write about it.
I'm almost done rambling :). I have found that this blog has helped and reading other peoples' stories who have gone through the same thing is really starting the healing process. Who knows, maybe mine will help someone in return.

Gracie Rose McGraw

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a mother?"
And I know I heard Him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
With Confidence in His voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
And cleared His throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
But my mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight Here!"
I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your child is ok.
Your baby is here in My home,
And this is where she'll stay.
She'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come Home,
She'll be at the gates waiting for you.

So now you see
what makes a mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.



Mommy and Daddy love you so much, Gracie Rose, and we will see you again someday.

So Far.....

So far.... it's a girl! I couldn't believe that they could actually tell this early on ultrasound. That's why I'm a little skeptical still. I have thought from the beginning that it's a girl though. Now I keep picturing a life with "the girls". The good: the bonding (I never had that because my sisters and I are so far apart in age) and the money I will save early on (I already have all the girls clothes). The bad: the future fighting (over clothes, boys, and everything in between) and the teen age years (all I can say is please God be with us for that one). It should be an adventure to say the least.
Yesterday I went up to work, yes I'm still on bed rest. I had to get some papers signed since I'll be off of work for a while. I completely forgot to tell everyone my new news. I was so loving being up there, I forgot completely about myself. I never realized how much I love my job and the great people I work with. Can I tell you, I work with the most amazing people?! You never realize how great you have it until you don't have it. I never thought I would say this but I miss going to work. Wow, I'll probably regret that in the months to come.

Update

I went to my regular OB today. Here's the report, I lost 4 lbs ( I don't know how because I've been craving ice cream and pizza lately), my cervix is still thin but holding steady, and I start progesterone shots in a week. The shots will help me stop contracting which could be leading to a shortened cervix. I know, TMI, but I really don't have much else going in my life right now. Anyway, the shots- I only have to have once a week. I called Danny and told him the news. On a side note, Danny is not horrible for not going with me, I always wanted to go by myself with Ava and with this one too. I don't know why, but I do. So I called Danny and told him he gets to give me my shots every week. This is what I got back..... silence
Me: "hello?"
silence
Me: "are you still there"
Danny: "are you being serious?"
Me: "yes I am, I need these shots once a week"
Danny: "you know how I am with needles, I'll puke for sure"
Me: "well I guess you have a week to get over yourself and put your big boy pants on."
Ok so here's the really mean part, I had already recruited my cousin who is also a nurse to come do them for me. I think I'll just let Danny worry about it until the time comes :). I told you, totally mean, but it's the only entertainment I have these days. I have another appointment with my maternal/fetal doctor tomorrow, so we will see if there's anything new to report.

Missing Out!

I have only been on bed rest for a week, and it really stinks! It may sound great to most people: watching tv and reading books all day, doing absolutely no housework, and staying in your pj's all day. After a couple of days, it really loses its attractiveness.
It seems like I have been missing out on so much this week. With the weather getting nicer and nicer, all I want to do is take Ava outside and draw with chalk, go on stroller rides, and watch her just explore. Danny did take her out one day when it was especially nice, but I know he is exhausted once he gets home from work. That's another thing too. Danny has been doing awesome picking up my slack, but I feel so guilty. Do I tell him what needs to be done? Which to him probably comes across as me nagging. Or do I keep my mouth shut and wait until he sees what needs to be done? Ok wives, we all know where that option gets us- nothing, I think the male species is blind to dirty dishes and empty sock drawers.
Another thing I am totally bummed about is my missed mom's night out. This was going to be the first year I was going to the Hearts at Home conference in Bloomington with my friend Julie. We had it all planned out and all of our classes had been hand picked by us. Of course I couldn't go. You have no idea how much I was looking forward to it. I am definitely going next year! I hope you had fun, Julie! We'll be the first ones in the door for the 2011 conference!
I know I shouldn't complain because all of these things that I'm missing out on will be a small price to pay for the end result that we are hoping and praying for. I guess it's the unknown that I'm so worried about. In the end, will I be doing all of this for nothing?

Break Downs and Bed Rest

We've had a major break down in the house. Me,no, computer yes. Apparently, we got a very yucky virus from Facebook. I blame it on Farmville because Danny is always on it, and I just don't see the entertainment factor. Anyway, instead of paying to get it fixed, which would be more expensive than what it was actually worth, we got a new computer (thanks mom). I'm still getting used to it, so this should be interesting.
As many already know or found out from my previous post, I'm pregnant!!! It seems like I can't do anything the easy way these days. I started bleeding during my 11th week and have continued into my 14th. Turns out my cervix is thinning, so to bed rest I go. :( I went to my first maternal fetal appt. today. The doctor said I am still in "the woods" and wants to see me weekly for an ultrasound. I am just a bundle of nerves and guilt.
I feel so bad because I can't do anything around the house or for Ava anymore. I just lay in bed like a slug. It has been amazing to see all of the great supporters I have. Danny has been awesome. Now he gets up early for work and comes home to cook, clean, and keep Ava entertained. My mom, oh what a savior she's been. She comes to pick Ava up every morning, cooks or orders out dinner for us, and has been going crazy getting things for me to do all day. The latest adventure, Jo Anne's. I'm not very crafty so this should be interesting. My grandma has been such a trooper too. When my mom has to work a couple of days a week, which is usually when I have my days off, she has been watching Ava. She doesn't complain one bit. I do feel really guilty for Ava though. I can't do anything for her, play with her like I used to, or even pick her up. She has had such a good attitude with it. I just hope that if she does end up with a sibling, she isn't jealous. My friend, Julie, has also been a huge help too. I couldn't have done it without all of her encouraging words and prayers. I have to stop and think how much worse things could be and how her family would always find the best in things. Oh what amazing people God has made, and I have the privilege to be surrounded by them.
Enough rambling for now. I will keep everyone posted how things go. Whatever the outcome, we will find the best in whatever God brings our way!

Magnificant Monday!