trust in Him

"Nothing is for nothing- no pain in our life is wasted."

I have to admit, I have been struggling. I've been flooded with so many emotions (pure anger, disbelief, sadness, loss of hope, and jealousy). I ask, "why me, why have I had to mourn the loss of two babies?" I need to give all of my worries and pain to Him, and trust and thank Him for everything that I have. As hard as it is, I am so thankful for my three angels, my one on earth and two in Heaven.

an aching heart

These past couple of weeks have been really hard for me lately. I don't know why, but all I keep thinking about is what should be. I should be rocking a baby and watching my two girls together. My heart is literally aching. I try to be happy for others, but it has been really hard lately. A lot of people are pregnant around me, and honestly I am so stinkin' jealous. I want to be pregnant with a healthy baby. I feel like I was so cheated. Yes, I have my moments, but I think I'm a great mother. It's not fair to love someone so much and to have them taken from you so early. I know that it happened for a reason, and God has a reason for all of this, but I feel so empty sometimes. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like a part of me is missing. Sorry to be so negative, but I can only put on a happy face for so long.
The other day my mom and I were eating at a Chinese place. When I opened my cookie I got, "you have to go through the rain to get to the rainbow." I'm definitely going through the rain. I pray that I see the first glimmers of my rainbow soon.

Cue the Angels

Hallelujah! We got 6 hours of sleep last night! I feel like a different person. We still need to catch up some, but so far this morning there has been no loss of tempers, hysterical tears, or walking into things from either of us :).

update

Ava's breathing is doing much better. I only had to do a couple of treatments during the night. The only thing that is left is a nasty cough and lots of drainage (sorry). The steroids that she is on always does horrible things to her mood. One minute she is bouncing off the walls with energy and the next she has a melt down for no reason. The lack of sleep may also play a part in it too. We haven't had a night's sleep since Friday. I am just exhausted. My brain is gone. Today I actually threw some dirty laundry in the refrigerator. I didn't even realize I had done it until later today. Please pray that Ava continues getting better and has no more respiratory issues and a good night's sleep for the both of us.

Tis the season

For Ava's breathing issues to start up that is. Well, last weekend she got a cold, and I just knew it wouldn't be good. Whenever she gets a simple cold, it hits her hard. I tried to get her through the weekend, so we could go to her regular pediatrician. Last night didn't go too well. I was doing breathing treatments every hour and she started acting air hungry. So into the ER we went. I thought it was kind of pathetic when we were walking through the doors and the receptionist said, "Well, Ava McGraw. Just go straight back." No need for birth dates, insurance, or a name for that matter. I guess we are well known :). They hooked her up to a pulse ox right away, 80%, eesh! It is sooo scary being on the other side of things. Seeing her going thought what I would consider simple things at work made me want to cry. Of course it doesn't make it any better that I think of the worst things imaginable. I always worry they will find something horrible (CF, diseased lungs, heart defect, pulm. HT) just to name a few. It's horrible knowing everything that can happen. Things just run through my head: "no, her heart doesn't seem too big", "are her fingers starting to look clubbed?"
The doctor couldn't get over how well she sat with her continuous nebs going through her mask. I almost took a picture of her, but she looked pretty pathetic. I think she sat so still because she could finally breath. I was doing fine until I looked over at her with her mask on and retracting back to her backbone and she said, "mommy, I love you." Oh, the tears started flowing. I think about my great friend, Julie and all she went through with Livs. She told me once that the only time she ever cried was when she was on the general pediatric floor. She had to see her little girl go through the unimaginable, and here I am crying over a mask. Oh, I would sooo be one of those moms that every nurse prays they don't have to take care of:).
It seems like it is taking more and more to get her through these episodes which is scary. We used to be able to do an albuterol and oral steroid. We are now up to continuous nebs and IV steroids. The doctor also thought she may have the beginnings of pneumonia, so antibiotics were started as well. Please pray these things start working, so I can have my energy filled, dare devil little girl back.