I've been wanting to do this for the past couple of days or so, but the timing hasn't been right. Well, tonight Ava fell asleep at 6:30
which is unheard of these days, so I guess it is meant to be. I have found that miscarriage is somewhat taboo. After having Gracie, I found that it helped to read others' stories of their own loss. So here's hoping to help someone else who has to go down this terrible road.
As many know, I was on
bed rest for bleeding, incompetent cervix, and a low lying placenta. I was being monitored very closely, and whenever anything changed, my ob was happy to see me just for my peace of mind. My last appointment with my maternal/fetal doctor actually went pretty well. He said that once my bleeding stopped, I could go back to work. I was so excited, and it gave me a little reassurance.
A couple of days after that appointment, I was feeling really
crampy and had a terrible back ache. It was so painful, I couldn't even stand up straight to walk to the bathroom. So off I went back to the
dr. Once again, I was reassured that everything was looking fine and to keep taking it easy. That next afternoon, the pains were back. By that night, they had gotten worse. I didn't want to go to our small town ER at night just to be told that everything still looked fine. I had convinced myself that I would wait until the next day, Monday, to call my regular doc.
The pains were constant that night so much so that I couldn't sleep. I decided to get up and take a warm shower to hopefully ease my back ache. I remember turning on the water, and I felt something. I'm not sure what I felt, but it was different... almost relief. I looked down and saw my baby's tiny feet. I remember sobbing "oh no!".
I yelled for Danny from the bathroom. He was sleeping, so I was sure I wouldn't be able to wake him with only my yells (if you know Danny he is a very sound sleeper). I don't know how, but he woke up and came right into the bathroom. I told him that I was having the baby and he needed to call my mom so she could stay at the house while Ava was sleeping. I then asked him to grab me a towel. He came running back with this huge bath towel. I don't know how my humor broke through, but it did. I looked at him and said, "how big do you think she's going to be." Finally he came back with a hand towel. Just as I got the towel I had a couple more pushes and out she came right into my hands. She was alive when she came out. She moved a little, but it didn't last long.
I remember crying, but I wasn't
historical or anything. I knew the second that I saw her feet that there was nothing anyone could do, and her life would end that day. Danny and I both sat their just admiring our little angel. She was so perfect. Her tiny feet, toes, hands, fingers, nose... everything was there, and they were all so absolutely beautiful. What really struck me was her umbilical chord. I was high risk with Ava too, so after I had her they
whisked her away to check her out so I never saw her umbilical chord. It was almost like a small, silver rope. This beautiful peace of God's work is what connected me to my little angel for four months.
By this time, my mom had gotten there. I guess when Danny called her, he just told her that he needed her and she needed to come now, so she had no idea what she was walking into. I don't know why, but i didn't want to share Gracie with anyone. I just wanted Danny and I to see her and hold her. It's pretty selfish to me know, but at the time all I wanted to do was protect her from everything/ anything that I could.
I told my mom that I wanted her to stay at the house with Ava, so we didn't have to wake her up while Danny drove me to the hospital. At the time I didn't notice, but I was bleeding a lot! My mom told Danny he should call the ambulance.
Ok, little background if you don't already know. We are from a small town and Danny is on the fire department. During bad accidents, he is the one to drive the ambulance while the paramedics work on the pt. So I have also gotten to know many of the paramedics since they are close friends to Danny.
Ok back to the story. I was sitting on the floor holding Gracie in her towel, and asked what we were waiting for. Danny said that it wouldn't be too much longer because he was starting to see lights. Me, "lights, what lights". I didn't know he had called for the ambulance. My mind instantly went to all of the male paramedics that I knew and who I was
definitely not letting see me from the waist down. I know in this situation it is a bad time to be humble. Miraculously, yes in my mind it was a miracle, Heather came running up the stairs. Heather is an amazing paramedic that I know through Danny as well. Every year, Danny plans a mock
wreck for the high school with Heather. I have to say it again, she is amazing! She knelt down beside me and said, "oh Bethany, she is beautiful". That was so what I needed right then.
I was still losing a lot of blood, so they wanted to get me to the hospital asap. I didn't want to go down the stairs being carried in this chair contraption that they have. I told Danny that he was either carrying Gracie and I, or I was going down the stairs by myself. I know, I'm stubborn. So down the stairs we went in Danny's arms :).
Another bad thing about small towns, everyone knows people by address. All of the policemen on duty recognized our address as a "fireman's address" I was later told. Not just our local police, mind you, every policeman. Once we got outside, there parked along the street was an ambulance, FIVE police cars, and four firefighters in their own vehicles. Did I mention that every single one of these vehicles had their lights blazing! Talk about mortified. Also a little background, we have the most annoying neighbor. He means well, but he retired and I'm sure he's bored. He like to know everything. I remember sitting on the stretcher in my front yard,"Danny, does F. have his face plastered to his window right now?" Danny started laughing, "I don't know, I was wondering the same thing." Both of us were too scared to look, so we didn't find out until a couple days later that F. didn't know about it until he read it in the paper :). Another miracle!
I made Danny follow the ambulance in his truck, so we could go as soon as they said the word. Heather sat beside me the entire time. She said again how beautiful Gracie was and did as little as possible with me so I could hold my baby without having to move her around a lot. The ride to the hospital was filled with tears but peaceful at the same time.
Once I got to the ER, the nurses and doctors started buzzing around me. I don't remember anything they were doing. The only thing I remember is an OB nurse holding my hand and crying whole time with me and whispering encouragement and praises in my ear. There was also another nurse who just stood beside me and patted my leg every once in a while. Isn't weird that with everything that was going on in the room, that's what I remember? It felt so good to have someone to just be there for me. Another miracle, I learned something that I will use in the future when I work. Take a step back and focus on the person, not tasks.
On a side note, my cousin is a nurse in the ER. I described the nurse that was patting my leg. She said that she was a nurse who complained about everything, didn't like change, and had worked there forever.
Hmm, I know someone like that too :). She is a little rough around the edges, but is an amazing person, nurse, and friend!
Later I was taken to labor and delivery. The tears started flowing. I didn't want to be in a place surrounded by happy families and babies. Thankfully, they put me in a private room at the end of the hall.
I held Gracie until it was time to go. A wonderful nurse sat with me and helped us make decisions about what to do with Gracie. I couldn't imagine having her in an unknown place with other people and parts. We called our funeral home to make arrangements. Me," Jeff, I don't care how you take her out of here, just don't put her in a suitcase." (fellow nurses will know what I'm talking about)
That first week was a whirlwind of tears, laughter, and anger. I don't really remember much about it, just that is was filled with raw emotion. On a side note, the funeral director showed me how he carried Gracie out of the
hospital when I held her for the last time. It was a little basket with silk and lace. Another miracle :).
This has not been an easy road for either Danny or I. We have our good days and our bad days. Thankfully, I am having more days when I consider this whole experience to be a blessing. I am so lucky to have been chosen by God to carry sweet Gracie for the short time that I did. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know I will hold both of my girls in my arms someday.
