christmas to come

I'm still in the process of trying to find my floors after the hectic weekend. They are covered in toys, plastic twist ties that keep turning up, and laundry that I'm soooo far behind on. Then, to make the clean up even more of a challenge, Ava woke up VERY early with a fever. So today was filled with cuddling my fireball girl and coming up with creative ways to get her to drink. Then to top it off, the pukes started this evening. Oh, the lovely pleasures of being a mom. Oh well, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Once I get the house into somewhat of an order and wash even more dirty laundry now, I will upload some christmas pictures. I hope everyone had a great holiday!

What's been happening

I have been so lazy and lacking energy lately. I didn't even send out Christmas cards this year. Anyway, this year has been a lot of fun celebrating Christmas with Ava. She's just at that right age. She loved decorating her gingerbread house.
Last week, Ava was in her first Christmas program. She was the North Star. She was pretty upset because she wanted to be a horse. The program was sort of a modern day story of baby Jesus. I tried to explain to her that she was THE north star. All I got was, "fine, I'll be the star, but I'm still angry about not being a horse." I'll take what I can get. :)

Don't mind the man's head in the picture. She had a lot of fun in the program, and can you believe she actually had some shy moments!

Merry Christmas!

Happy Holidays!

From The McGraw Family

Just an update

I can't believe I haven't posted in over a month. Nothing really has been going on in the Mcgraw household. We celebrated Thanksgiving the day before because I had to work. My family did some black friday shopping. It's turning into quite the tradition :). I have most of my Christmas shopping done, yay!!! I just need to dedicate a day to wrapping, which I hate to wrap.
Ava has been doing well, no breathing issues lately (thank God). I still have my down in the dumps days, but what else is new :). We struggle with the same challenges that many families are all over the country especially this time of year. I try to be thankful everyday, because our situation could be soooo much worse. I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays with their families and loved ones!

Happy Halloween!

We started out our Halloween festivities by going to the grade school to watch the Halloween parade. Ava was so excited!

She would get so excited to find her friends walking by. "Hi, Kiya!!!"

I don't think she realized that they were kids dressed in costumes. If she saw a Disney princess or Jessie from Toy Story, she really thought that's who they were. So cute!

"Ew, Snow White, you are so bootiful!" :)

This was the first year that I attempted to make her costume. Not the greatest, but I didn't resort to using the hot glue gun like I thought I would. Ava's favorite part of the costume, her "purple bra". :)

Then off to the church for a Halloween party. Aren't they the cutest little mermaid, zombie, dog stuck in a bag of dog food, and Tim McGraw you have ever seen?!

Can't forget the other cousin, Chloe, as a lady bug.

Ava got really into trick or treating this year. She was getting so excited. She would run from one house to the next just giggling. She would ask, "mom, do you think they have a doorbell?" She was more concerned about ringing the door bell than getting candy. She also figured out that if there was a group of kids already at a house, she would wait until they left just so she could ring the bell :). She was so much fun this year, I can't wait until next year!

Decorating Pumpkins

So I chickened out again this year. I just can't seem to bring myself to carve a pumpkin with Ava yet. I don't think she would enjoy it, and I would have to end up doing cleaning all of the guts out myself. I hate that job! Next best thing, painting!!! I don't think Ava even knows there is a different way to decorate pumpkins :). Maybe next year when we're both a little braver.

I forgot to get a picture of the final masterpiece, oops. Ava always has so much fun painting. You can give her just about anything, and she would be happy to paint it :)

trust in Him

"Nothing is for nothing- no pain in our life is wasted."

I have to admit, I have been struggling. I've been flooded with so many emotions (pure anger, disbelief, sadness, loss of hope, and jealousy). I ask, "why me, why have I had to mourn the loss of two babies?" I need to give all of my worries and pain to Him, and trust and thank Him for everything that I have. As hard as it is, I am so thankful for my three angels, my one on earth and two in Heaven.

an aching heart

These past couple of weeks have been really hard for me lately. I don't know why, but all I keep thinking about is what should be. I should be rocking a baby and watching my two girls together. My heart is literally aching. I try to be happy for others, but it has been really hard lately. A lot of people are pregnant around me, and honestly I am so stinkin' jealous. I want to be pregnant with a healthy baby. I feel like I was so cheated. Yes, I have my moments, but I think I'm a great mother. It's not fair to love someone so much and to have them taken from you so early. I know that it happened for a reason, and God has a reason for all of this, but I feel so empty sometimes. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like a part of me is missing. Sorry to be so negative, but I can only put on a happy face for so long.
The other day my mom and I were eating at a Chinese place. When I opened my cookie I got, "you have to go through the rain to get to the rainbow." I'm definitely going through the rain. I pray that I see the first glimmers of my rainbow soon.

Cue the Angels

Hallelujah! We got 6 hours of sleep last night! I feel like a different person. We still need to catch up some, but so far this morning there has been no loss of tempers, hysterical tears, or walking into things from either of us :).

update

Ava's breathing is doing much better. I only had to do a couple of treatments during the night. The only thing that is left is a nasty cough and lots of drainage (sorry). The steroids that she is on always does horrible things to her mood. One minute she is bouncing off the walls with energy and the next she has a melt down for no reason. The lack of sleep may also play a part in it too. We haven't had a night's sleep since Friday. I am just exhausted. My brain is gone. Today I actually threw some dirty laundry in the refrigerator. I didn't even realize I had done it until later today. Please pray that Ava continues getting better and has no more respiratory issues and a good night's sleep for the both of us.

Tis the season

For Ava's breathing issues to start up that is. Well, last weekend she got a cold, and I just knew it wouldn't be good. Whenever she gets a simple cold, it hits her hard. I tried to get her through the weekend, so we could go to her regular pediatrician. Last night didn't go too well. I was doing breathing treatments every hour and she started acting air hungry. So into the ER we went. I thought it was kind of pathetic when we were walking through the doors and the receptionist said, "Well, Ava McGraw. Just go straight back." No need for birth dates, insurance, or a name for that matter. I guess we are well known :). They hooked her up to a pulse ox right away, 80%, eesh! It is sooo scary being on the other side of things. Seeing her going thought what I would consider simple things at work made me want to cry. Of course it doesn't make it any better that I think of the worst things imaginable. I always worry they will find something horrible (CF, diseased lungs, heart defect, pulm. HT) just to name a few. It's horrible knowing everything that can happen. Things just run through my head: "no, her heart doesn't seem too big", "are her fingers starting to look clubbed?"
The doctor couldn't get over how well she sat with her continuous nebs going through her mask. I almost took a picture of her, but she looked pretty pathetic. I think she sat so still because she could finally breath. I was doing fine until I looked over at her with her mask on and retracting back to her backbone and she said, "mommy, I love you." Oh, the tears started flowing. I think about my great friend, Julie and all she went through with Livs. She told me once that the only time she ever cried was when she was on the general pediatric floor. She had to see her little girl go through the unimaginable, and here I am crying over a mask. Oh, I would sooo be one of those moms that every nurse prays they don't have to take care of:).
It seems like it is taking more and more to get her through these episodes which is scary. We used to be able to do an albuterol and oral steroid. We are now up to continuous nebs and IV steroids. The doctor also thought she may have the beginnings of pneumonia, so antibiotics were started as well. Please pray these things start working, so I can have my energy filled, dare devil little girl back.

My father in law, the bravest man I know

This man has come to my rescue many times. My first experience was when Danny and I just bought our house. We redid the whole house and got to work as soon as we got the keys. About day three of construction, I hear my husband scream (I'm sure he would say a yell, but it was a scream) from downstairs. I thought for sure he had electrocuted himself. I came running downstairs to see what happened, and I see Danny laying on the floor yelling, "save yourself." Then I saw it, a bat! Eww, I hate bats. So like any smart woman would do, I booked it outside and left Danny inside to fend for himself.
Soon Danny jumped into his truck to "go get some things so we could get the bat out." Excuse me, "we". So I call my mom to take my place :). My mom comes right over and the two of us wait outside on the back porch. Danny came back with his fire helmet and grabbed a tennis racket from the garage. He looks at my mom, who came packing with a little kid's butterfly net, and shook his head. He rummaged around in his truck and came up with another fire helmet. This was no ordinary fire helmet, it was the plastic ones that they give out to the kid when they take a tour of the fire station. I soon see my brave husband with a tennis racket in hand and my mother with her butterfly net and plastic little hat enter "the danger zone."
Again me being the smart one, I stay outside. Then I hear both of them screaming. I look through the window and see the bat diving down at them while they are both laying on the floor. So I decide to call in reinforcements. I call my father in law. I shows up with nothing but a smile on his face. Me: "you didn't bring anything to catch it". He pulls out a pair of gloves from his back pocket and walk inside. Needless to say, that night I didn't have to sleep with the covers over my head.
The second time my FIL saved me came a couple years later. I came home and heard some scratching in the garage. I grab Ava and run inside. I was sure it was some rabid possum waiting to strike at just the right time. Just like always, my FIL comes over with nothing but a grin. Again, I watch from indoors this time. He yells at me to come out to see the savage beast that threatened the life of Ava and I. It was..... a sparrow. In my defense, it was a very mad sparrow- and larger than a normal one.
Today, again my FIL came to my rescue. I found a spider the size of a baseball in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to kill it, so I trapped it under a cup.... that now is in the trash. He comes right over and does what he does best- uses his bravery to yet again save me. Thank you Dan, I don't know what I would do without you, and I'm glad I have provided you with so much humor over the years.

until next year, sigh

For the pool that is. Last year, Ava would only sit on the swimming pool ladder. This year, I'm surprised she didn't form gills. Even if the water was cold, she would still insist on going in. Her lips would be purple and her whole body shaking, but she would refuse to come out. I think next year, we will be spending even more time in the pool.
She figured out how to float on her back, and boy does she think she is hot stuff!

All of the cousins would love spending the whole day in the water. Here's to next year and lots of fun in the water.

Better late than never

So, I've had Ava's room done for a while now, but just haven't gotten the pics uploaded. I have to admit, I'm pretty impressed how it turned out and the little money I spent. The only thing I still have to do for her room is a dresser. She has a dresser that is a light wood that matched her crib. I want a white dresser but am hoping to find an inexpensive one I can paint and make over.
Here's the breakdown. The curtains are the same ones that were already in the room. I bought fabric dye at walmart and changed them from pink to turquoise. The circles on the curtains are just felt that I cut in different sizes and glued them onto a pin that I pinned to the sheer curtains (she already had those too). Next the lamp I found at a yard sale for $2. It was an ugly green, so I just spray painted it pink. I added ribbon (from my home stash) to the shade to give it some life. The wall decorations are foam board I got at the dollar tree and covered them with fabric (again from my fabric stash). Ava had fun picking out where to put them. The side table I already had in another room.

The bed frame I found at a yard sale for $5!!!! I sanded it down and painted it white. I was a little intimidated at first because I have never painted furniture before, but it was really easy. The bedding I got really lucky and found the exact colors I was looking for at Marshall's on clearance. To make the deal even better, I had some left over money on a gift card that covered the cost of the bedding. The main cost of the room makeover was the new mattress. There is a small, family owned furniture shop that is close by that I got a great deal on the mattress set. I think for everything, I spent less than $350. Not bad if I do say so myself! I still need to get her dresser though, so if anyone out there finds a potential candidate, give me a call :).

Would have been

Saturday would have been my due date with Gracie. I knew the day would be hard, so we decided to do something fun. The three of us headed to Elmwood for some rides and some not so healthy food :)

Ava could jump all day. We did have to take her out a little early. She bounced so much, her asthma started acting up. It didn't' faze her at all, and she wanted to go back in.

It was a great family day. When we got home, we had this waiting for us. My grandma new I was struggling and wanted to get us something to remember Gracie by. How can it be that someone you knew for such little time could make such a huge impact on your life? I have to say that the pain is getting less and the strength Danny and I are taking away from losing our second daughter is making our family so much closer.

more test results

So I got some more test results in. It turns out I have a rare (go figure) clotting disorder. I make a lot of tiny clots, esp. during pregnancy, that prevents blood and nutrients to get to the placenta. the doctor said that is the reason Ava had IUGR (small baby that didn't grow) and was lucky to even carry her. Now I have to take aspirin and extra folic acid everyday. I'm at greater risk for strokes (great!) and have to make sure I tell the doctor if I have any procedure done in the future. If/when I would get pregnant again, I would continue the aspirin and also start blood thinner injections twice a day as soon as a heart beat can be seen. Then at 12 weeks(can't forget my incomp. cervix), I would have a cerclage. I would have to be followed by a specialist once or twice every week during my pregnancy-small price to pay, huh :) My OB, who is fantastic, was actually pretty happy to find a reason why everything keeps happening. I'm still pretty cautious because I feel like whenever something happens, they find something else that plays a part in causing it. What makes her think it won't happen again and find yet another reason why I lost a baby. I keep reminding myself that it is all up to God and I pray that we will have a healthy baby someday.

it's time to start your christmas shopping

yep, you read right! This year, we will again be doing Operation Christmas Child. You just fill a shoe box full of goodies, pay for shipping, and off they go to needy kids around the world. I had the opportunity a while ago to talk to a pastor who got to hand out some of the shoe boxes in Haiti. He said that even though the kids are excited about everything, they are most excited about school supplies (pencils,paper). He said that most families can't afford school supplies, and if they don't have the supplies- they don't get to go to school. Could you imagine?! We are so lucky to have all of the opportunities that we take for granted everyday. So while you are out getting everything on your kiddo's school list, why don't you throw in a couple extra notebooks and pencils (esp. when everything is so cheap this time of year- I just bought notebooks for $0.10/each!). If you aren't planning on sending any shoe boxes this year, I would be happy to take your donations and include them with our boxes this year. Last year we did four boxes, and I'm hoping to do more this year.

Some questions for God

As everyone can tell from my previous post, I've been having a hard time lately. But sometimes the joys of being a PICU nurse can make things even harder. I've learned how to justify or find something good from deaths. After losing many baby angels and becoming quit close with a couple of really special families, I can usually find the best out of things. I can sometimes even justify my losses: maybe God wants Danny and I to be closer (which we have since losing Gracie) or maybe he wants me to cherish Ava with every fiber of my being. The one thing that I cannot, CANNOT justify is when we get our abuse kids. Even more now that I have experienced a loss of a baby that we sooooo wanted, it tears me apart that much more that someone could torture a gift from God. I just picture having the baby as my own and think about how extremely happy Danny and I would be to have him/her. Why does God give people the greatest gift when all they do is beat them to death? Why couldn't we have that baby? I just don't understand! We would take any of those babies, but instead they get beaten/shaken. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do and feel like I make a difference, but sometimes it would just be easier to have a "normal" job.

struggling

I have to admit, I have really been struggling lately. I keep questioning, "was I only meant to be a mother of 1?" "Why us? Why can some women have a lot of kids when they can't even take care of them, and we only have one?" Don't get me wrong, I feel tremendously blessed to have Ava, I thank God for her everyday. I just feel stuck in the road of healing. I'm angry, doubtful, and lost. I think as Gracie's due date gets closer, it will only get worse. I was thinking today, I would be 8 months pregnant. Would I be bigger than I was with Ava? Would Ava be excited to be a big sister? What would the nursery look like? When I was pregnant with Gracie, I really liked the modern idea of yellow with black furniture. Or would I go the more traditional route of pastel pinks and purples? Then I go to "will I see my babies in Heaven? How will I know that it's them? Will they still be babies, or will they be grown?" I'm just....lost.

New Project

A while ago, I let Ava pick out some material for a blanket that would go in her room. Well, the colors she picked did not go at all with her current pastel, pretty girlie room. So my new project is to redecorate Ava's room. Of course, I'm planning on doing it as cost savy as I can. I will post pics and a price breakdown as we get there. Oh, I'm so excited already!

Yay!

Welcome baby Rowan! My friend Jess had her baby. She has gone through so much to get her. She is loved by many already.

In Love

I have fallen in love with Craig's List. I was looking on there before Ava's birthday and found a photographer. She is a stay at home, Christian mother of three, who fell in love with taking pictures. She was super reasonable and seemed to have the same taste in photos as me. I'm always up for trying out a new photographer, especially for her prices :). Check out just some of the gorgeous pics she captured while Ava was playing. They are just so her. Let me know if anyone wants her information. Enjoy.

Happy 3rd Birthday Ava Finnli

Ahoy there, Matey!

The time has come

To hunt for treasure

And have some fun.

Capn' Ava is turnin' 3

So we're raising our flags and going to sea.

Avast me harties come sail the ocean blue.

Grub and grog provided to all the crew.

All the kids had there pirate costumes on. They were all so busy playing, I didn't get a picture of all of them together. But the aunts didn't want to be left out. They came dressed in their scarves and eye patches. Arrrr! Yes, all of my family is a little nutty.

Then everyone painted and decorated pirate chests.

And here's the cake. I have to admit, I was sooo nervous. I have never made a cake before. It doesn't look all that bad.

I used Rolos for cannons, swedish fish, malt balls for cannon balls, and of course some wonder pet pirates.

It took a small pirate crew to keep the capn' away from the cake all morning :)

A special thanks to my cousin, Joy, who took all of the pics so I could just enjoy the day.

You can't really tell, but my mom made Ava a "pirate birthday dress".

And next comes the food. My whole family loves to eat.

Sea slugs anyone?

Sorry, couldn't figure out how to erase the second one :)

On to the treasure hunt. We separated the kids into big kids and little kids. The little kids had picture clues, and the big kids had rhyming pirate clues ( I was pretty impressed with my pirate lingo)

I was surprised none of the kids found any of the clues before it was time.
Each buccaneer got a goody bag with their pirate names on it ( Dirty feet Ava/ Still Roastin' Rowan- she hasn't arrived yet :) )

Overall, the party turned out great. I have to admit, I hardly spent any money on this party. I get a lot of questions about the cost. Well this year, I tried to be a little green and use things that I had around the house. I also give Ava some party theme ideas that she gets to pick. I start planning about 10 months in advance (yes, months). I love planning parties. I have always told my friend, Julie, once she stops being a mom and I stop being a nurse- we would open up our own business :). She's even better at planning parties. I've already started thinking of next year's theme. If you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them :)

Happy Birthday, Tootsie!!