Stressed Out!!

Nothing new really going on here, but everything seems to be weighing me down lately. Normally, I'm a pretty positive person, but a bunch of "little" challenges have been piling one on top of another. My FIL's cancer is back, so that means more chemo/radiation and leaving Danny with fear, anger, and uncertainty. Then there's Ava. She has been wanting to be more and more independent. This should be good, but it seems like I have too much to do in the short amount of hours in the day, and being independent means I must have more patience and more time :(. Then the biggy that has been giving me sleepless nights. We have decided to move. Danny wants to get another fixer-upper, but I am unsure. I remember all of the work, stress, tears, and oh the mess!!! I'm leaning towards paying more for a house that doesn't need all of that TLC, but will I be happy with that decision for the next 15- 30 years? Oh, I just don't know what to do with all of this. Then I feel even worse when I think of all of those who's problems are so much bigger than mine. I'm just at a loss.

Home Projects

I know everyone has been waiting in great anticipation for my next post (yeah right). Not a whole lot has been going on around here lately. I did, however, get some motivation lately. When Danny and I moved into our house, our first house, we had a lot of work to do. Although it was a great house, it looked like an old person lived there. Every room was covered in shag carpet. We had all the colors of the rainbow; aqua, brown, bright orange, green, and blue. Needless to say, we put in all new flooring. Next to the walls. They were all wood paneling- yuck. I wanted to tear them down and put up drywall. Since Danny would be the one doing all of this, he talked me into painting the paneling and if I still didn't like it, he would tear them all done. Much to his relief, I loved the look. It looks like an old country house. Anyway, by the time my mom and I painted EVERY room in the house, we were so sick of painting, that was the last thing we wanted to do. Well, our dining room didn't quite turn out how I wanted. I was hoping for a deep yellow, and I got bright yellow. After 3 years of living here, I finally worked up the energy to repaint it. Of course I had to have a helper, but this time it wasn't my mom:).


Oh, that yellow was blinding!










Ava did a great job. And yes I know she isn't even close to matching, but they worked for painting. She has been into picking out her own clothes lately, and we won't even go there right now.


I forgot to get a picture of the final project, but it turned out great! Danny came home that night and said it looked really good. He liked it so much, he thought I should repaint our bedroom next. I told him since I love painting so much ( I despise painting) he may have to wait another 3 years.

Bitter Sweet

As mentioned by a previous post, I went with the bare essentials in Christmas decorations this year. Partly because I'm busy and lazy, but the main reason is my uncertainty and longing. As many know, I'm a PICU nurse. This is more than just a a job for me but has become a big part of my life. I have been struggling lately and wondering if this is where I am supposed to be and if this is what I am supposed to be doing.
I have really connected to several families and have gotten particularly close with a few :). Normally, if someone heard me say this, they would think great, what a great perk of the job. Who wouldn't love making new friends. However, these friendships don't come in the usual way. Most of these relationships have come because a child has died.
Lately, the memories, bonds, and longing have taken there toll. Some days I feel honored to share such a precious part of life. Other days, I just feel plain crummy. Most days I just feel misunderstood and alone. People in the "outside world" just don't understand what goes on everyday. I mean, how many people have sat and rocked a baby who has just gone to Heaven and sang to them for a while? The same song you used to sing to them everyday you were with them; "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine....". These kids aren't just go to work, get the job done, and go home. These kids are our lives, and it makes me so mad when people don't see it this way.
Anyway, sorry for the tangent, back on track now. So I was taking down the Christmas tree and putting all of the ornaments back in the tub that would sit in the basement until next year. This year I decided to only put up bows, ball ornaments, and an angel- nothing else. I had everything put together on the table ready to transport to storage when something caught my eye.



Do you see it?
On the angel there is an ornament. I totally forgot putting it up. My grandma gave this to me the year my grandpa passed away. This is what it says.










Merry Christmas From Heaven
I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes
and all of your cares
I'll even remind you
to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment
to stay in His grace
I came here before you
to help set your place

You don't have to be
perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb

To my family and friends
please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you
In a new special way

I love you all dearly
now don't shed a tear
Cause I'm spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year


I guess this was an answer to my many questions. I will keep on loving those babies and families as much as I can. I will laugh, hug, and cry just like before. I will even sit and rock for as long as I have to to say my goodbyes.
"Please don't take my sunshine away"