more test results

So I got some more test results in. It turns out I have a rare (go figure) clotting disorder. I make a lot of tiny clots, esp. during pregnancy, that prevents blood and nutrients to get to the placenta. the doctor said that is the reason Ava had IUGR (small baby that didn't grow) and was lucky to even carry her. Now I have to take aspirin and extra folic acid everyday. I'm at greater risk for strokes (great!) and have to make sure I tell the doctor if I have any procedure done in the future. If/when I would get pregnant again, I would continue the aspirin and also start blood thinner injections twice a day as soon as a heart beat can be seen. Then at 12 weeks(can't forget my incomp. cervix), I would have a cerclage. I would have to be followed by a specialist once or twice every week during my pregnancy-small price to pay, huh :) My OB, who is fantastic, was actually pretty happy to find a reason why everything keeps happening. I'm still pretty cautious because I feel like whenever something happens, they find something else that plays a part in causing it. What makes her think it won't happen again and find yet another reason why I lost a baby. I keep reminding myself that it is all up to God and I pray that we will have a healthy baby someday.

it's time to start your christmas shopping

yep, you read right! This year, we will again be doing Operation Christmas Child. You just fill a shoe box full of goodies, pay for shipping, and off they go to needy kids around the world. I had the opportunity a while ago to talk to a pastor who got to hand out some of the shoe boxes in Haiti. He said that even though the kids are excited about everything, they are most excited about school supplies (pencils,paper). He said that most families can't afford school supplies, and if they don't have the supplies- they don't get to go to school. Could you imagine?! We are so lucky to have all of the opportunities that we take for granted everyday. So while you are out getting everything on your kiddo's school list, why don't you throw in a couple extra notebooks and pencils (esp. when everything is so cheap this time of year- I just bought notebooks for $0.10/each!). If you aren't planning on sending any shoe boxes this year, I would be happy to take your donations and include them with our boxes this year. Last year we did four boxes, and I'm hoping to do more this year.

Some questions for God

As everyone can tell from my previous post, I've been having a hard time lately. But sometimes the joys of being a PICU nurse can make things even harder. I've learned how to justify or find something good from deaths. After losing many baby angels and becoming quit close with a couple of really special families, I can usually find the best out of things. I can sometimes even justify my losses: maybe God wants Danny and I to be closer (which we have since losing Gracie) or maybe he wants me to cherish Ava with every fiber of my being. The one thing that I cannot, CANNOT justify is when we get our abuse kids. Even more now that I have experienced a loss of a baby that we sooooo wanted, it tears me apart that much more that someone could torture a gift from God. I just picture having the baby as my own and think about how extremely happy Danny and I would be to have him/her. Why does God give people the greatest gift when all they do is beat them to death? Why couldn't we have that baby? I just don't understand! We would take any of those babies, but instead they get beaten/shaken. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do and feel like I make a difference, but sometimes it would just be easier to have a "normal" job.

struggling

I have to admit, I have really been struggling lately. I keep questioning, "was I only meant to be a mother of 1?" "Why us? Why can some women have a lot of kids when they can't even take care of them, and we only have one?" Don't get me wrong, I feel tremendously blessed to have Ava, I thank God for her everyday. I just feel stuck in the road of healing. I'm angry, doubtful, and lost. I think as Gracie's due date gets closer, it will only get worse. I was thinking today, I would be 8 months pregnant. Would I be bigger than I was with Ava? Would Ava be excited to be a big sister? What would the nursery look like? When I was pregnant with Gracie, I really liked the modern idea of yellow with black furniture. Or would I go the more traditional route of pastel pinks and purples? Then I go to "will I see my babies in Heaven? How will I know that it's them? Will they still be babies, or will they be grown?" I'm just....lost.