Back to me

Yesterday we went back to the funeral home to finalize some things. After we were done with things the funeral director asked if I wanted to hold Gracie one last time. Yes I wanted to. I think Danny was a little nervous because he didn't want me to get upset if she didn't look the same. When he came back with her, she was wrapped so sweetly in a little blanket. She still looked absolutely perfect. I held her one last time, counted every finger and toe, and just talked to her. I had no idea how much this would mean to me and how much more closure it gave.
With Danny having such a bad day the day before and me loving to get to hold my girl, I thought the day would be ok. Oh how wrong I was. By evening, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The feelings and memories came flooding back like it had just happened. Like always, Danny was there for me. I can't tell you how much he has helped me through all of this. I'm dreading him going back to work next week. I guess I'll just have to take it day by day like I have been.
Thanks again for everyone who has sent cards, flowers, food, and encouraging words. You have no idea how much this has helped us through this.

Taking turns

Well, it seems like Danny and I have been taking turns having our bad days. The first two days were definitely mine, but yesterday was Danny's turn. He is such a strong man, and it was hard to see him mourn. This is something that we will just have to take day by day and sometimes even minute by minute.
I went to see my OB yesterday for the first time since we lost Gracie. I was dreading sitting in that waiting room full of pregnant women and strollers full of little ones. All I could think was, "this should be me". Once I got in the exam room, peace just flooded me. I absolutely love my OB. She cried right along with me. It was like she could read my mind. I didn't even have to open my mouth, and she was already discussing my next concern. She said that losing Gracie shouldn't have happened. We are going to be doing some genetic testing. This is so weird, but I am hoping there was a genetic reason why God took her from us so soon. At least that would give me some closure. If not, we will just face that when it comes.
Today we are going back to the funeral home to finalize everything. I hope today is a better day, but we will just have to wait and see. I loved what Danny said to me last night, "it will never be better, it will just be different." How absolutely true.
Thanks to everyone who is still offering support, encouraging words, thoughts, and prayers. Without them, we could not be handling this as well as we have.

Some hard parts

So I thought I was on the road to being a little more positive. I guess that trip is being postponed for a little bit. After a night full of vivid, heartbreaking dreams, I woke up in a cloud of doom and gloom.
There are some things that no one tells you about or prepares you for. I couldn't believe how perfectly formed Gracie was. She was a little baby, and I think that makes things harder. I counted every toe and every finger. They were normal, they were perfect.
Another thing I wasn't ready for, breast milk. The thought never crossed my mind. With Ava, this was part of my greatest memories in those early days. There is nothing like bonding with your little one while they are nursing. So here I am, making milk and my arms ache for her.
Ok, I'm done for now. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

One day at a time...

Wow, I can't believe how hard this is. I couldn't get to sleep last night, I just wasn't tired. You would think I would be exhausted not sleeping for over 36 hours, but I wasn't. I just replaying everything that had happened. I did manage to get four hours of sleep or so. The horrible part was when I woke up, I didn't realize right away that I wasn't pregnant anymore. Then all of the feelings and memories came flooding back from the night before. I can't explain the feeling of one day feeling your baby moving inside of you to the next day being literally "empty".
It's weird, but all I want to do is be around Danny. I haven't been that way since we first started dating. I think he has noticed because he's taking the week off to stay home with me. I always try to find some kind of good in everything that is bad, so I guess I just found one. This has brought the two of us closer together than ever before.
Today we went to the funeral home. At the hospital they offered to have her cremated and put in a "common grave". They said all of the amputations are put in the same place together. The location would be unknown. I couldn't imagine miss Gracie together with a bunch of arms and legs, so we decided to make our own arrangements. I was dreading going to the funeral home, and I could tell Danny didn't want to do it either. Once we got there, it wasn't that bad at all. We made all of the arrangements and picked out everything we wanted. It was like a huge burden was lifted off of us when we left.
I definitely have my ups and downs. One minute I'll be laughing with Danny and the next, I'll be crying. It's so hard to explain how devastating it is. I never thought it would be so hard considering I never saw the baby, but she was my baby.
I also can't believe some of the things people say to you. "I know how you feel" (I don't mind this when they really do know how I feel, but if you've never lost a child, you don't know how it feels.) "You still have one child." "You can have another baby." Most likely people just aren't sure what to say because I've been in that position when you want to comfort, but you really don't know what to say.
I have been asked when we will try again. I honestly don't know. I do feel like I want to be pregnant again, but I think that's just to try to overshadow the pain I'm having right now. I do want to have another child. I don't know if it will be sooner rather than later. I was getting fond of the idea of having kids that were closer in age. It may be a long way down the road, too. I think I would be a nervous wreck the whole time, and I really don't know what I would do if I had to do this again.
I follow another website of this amazing, inspirational woman/mother. She does "birth stories". I love this idea. Even though this wasn't planned to happen this way, Gracie still has her very own "birth story". I'm sure sometime I will sit down and write about it.
I'm almost done rambling :). I have found that this blog has helped and reading other peoples' stories who have gone through the same thing is really starting the healing process. Who knows, maybe mine will help someone in return.

Gracie Rose McGraw

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a mother?"
And I know I heard Him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
With Confidence in His voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
And cleared His throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
But my mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight Here!"
I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your child is ok.
Your baby is here in My home,
And this is where she'll stay.
She'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come Home,
She'll be at the gates waiting for you.

So now you see
what makes a mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.



Mommy and Daddy love you so much, Gracie Rose, and we will see you again someday.

So Far.....

So far.... it's a girl! I couldn't believe that they could actually tell this early on ultrasound. That's why I'm a little skeptical still. I have thought from the beginning that it's a girl though. Now I keep picturing a life with "the girls". The good: the bonding (I never had that because my sisters and I are so far apart in age) and the money I will save early on (I already have all the girls clothes). The bad: the future fighting (over clothes, boys, and everything in between) and the teen age years (all I can say is please God be with us for that one). It should be an adventure to say the least.
Yesterday I went up to work, yes I'm still on bed rest. I had to get some papers signed since I'll be off of work for a while. I completely forgot to tell everyone my new news. I was so loving being up there, I forgot completely about myself. I never realized how much I love my job and the great people I work with. Can I tell you, I work with the most amazing people?! You never realize how great you have it until you don't have it. I never thought I would say this but I miss going to work. Wow, I'll probably regret that in the months to come.

Update

I went to my regular OB today. Here's the report, I lost 4 lbs ( I don't know how because I've been craving ice cream and pizza lately), my cervix is still thin but holding steady, and I start progesterone shots in a week. The shots will help me stop contracting which could be leading to a shortened cervix. I know, TMI, but I really don't have much else going in my life right now. Anyway, the shots- I only have to have once a week. I called Danny and told him the news. On a side note, Danny is not horrible for not going with me, I always wanted to go by myself with Ava and with this one too. I don't know why, but I do. So I called Danny and told him he gets to give me my shots every week. This is what I got back..... silence
Me: "hello?"
silence
Me: "are you still there"
Danny: "are you being serious?"
Me: "yes I am, I need these shots once a week"
Danny: "you know how I am with needles, I'll puke for sure"
Me: "well I guess you have a week to get over yourself and put your big boy pants on."
Ok so here's the really mean part, I had already recruited my cousin who is also a nurse to come do them for me. I think I'll just let Danny worry about it until the time comes :). I told you, totally mean, but it's the only entertainment I have these days. I have another appointment with my maternal/fetal doctor tomorrow, so we will see if there's anything new to report.