Sunday, August 1, 2010
struggling
I have to admit, I have really been struggling lately. I keep questioning, "was I only meant to be a mother of 1?" "Why us? Why can some women have a lot of kids when they can't even take care of them, and we only have one?" Don't get me wrong, I feel tremendously blessed to have Ava, I thank God for her everyday. I just feel stuck in the road of healing. I'm angry, doubtful, and lost. I think as Gracie's due date gets closer, it will only get worse. I was thinking today, I would be 8 months pregnant. Would I be bigger than I was with Ava? Would Ava be excited to be a big sister? What would the nursery look like? When I was pregnant with Gracie, I really liked the modern idea of yellow with black furniture. Or would I go the more traditional route of pastel pinks and purples? Then I go to "will I see my babies in Heaven? How will I know that it's them? Will they still be babies, or will they be grown?" I'm just....lost.
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About Me
- Bethany
- I am a busy working mom and wife. At work, I spend my day caring for critically ill children. I am a mother of three. My first daughter, Ava, is one of God's greatest gifts to me. My second daughter, Gracie, was born sleeping at 16 weeks. I think about her everyday, and will see her again someday. Our third daughter, Emi, is our little miracle who had to beet the odds. I just stare at her in amazement everyday. At home, I spend my day chasing after my forever energized toddler and trying to keep our house "somewhat" in order.
Yes, you will see those babies again and you will know them well. In Luke 16 a poor man by the name of Lazarus meets Abraham in Heaven. Now Lazarus and Abraham NEVER met on earth....but Lazarus KNEW him. Your babies will not be in their worldly bodies....there is no need for them in Heaven. We will all be in our glorified bodies and I believe with my whole heart that you will know them right away.
ReplyDeleteBecause our plan for ourselves can be different than God's plan for us, it is often hard to understand. I had a time that I felt similar to you. I wrote a friend of mine and this is what she said to me:
God's ways are higher than ours. I don't understand why we have to suffer but I do know this isn't our home. I can't wait to be in heaven where there are no more deaths and tears.
I don't think you should give up your heart's desire for children but God will lead you through His Word and prayer. And He will give your doctors wisdom.
I'm praying for you! nic