until next year, sigh

For the pool that is. Last year, Ava would only sit on the swimming pool ladder. This year, I'm surprised she didn't form gills. Even if the water was cold, she would still insist on going in. Her lips would be purple and her whole body shaking, but she would refuse to come out. I think next year, we will be spending even more time in the pool.
She figured out how to float on her back, and boy does she think she is hot stuff!

All of the cousins would love spending the whole day in the water. Here's to next year and lots of fun in the water.

Better late than never

So, I've had Ava's room done for a while now, but just haven't gotten the pics uploaded. I have to admit, I'm pretty impressed how it turned out and the little money I spent. The only thing I still have to do for her room is a dresser. She has a dresser that is a light wood that matched her crib. I want a white dresser but am hoping to find an inexpensive one I can paint and make over.
Here's the breakdown. The curtains are the same ones that were already in the room. I bought fabric dye at walmart and changed them from pink to turquoise. The circles on the curtains are just felt that I cut in different sizes and glued them onto a pin that I pinned to the sheer curtains (she already had those too). Next the lamp I found at a yard sale for $2. It was an ugly green, so I just spray painted it pink. I added ribbon (from my home stash) to the shade to give it some life. The wall decorations are foam board I got at the dollar tree and covered them with fabric (again from my fabric stash). Ava had fun picking out where to put them. The side table I already had in another room.

The bed frame I found at a yard sale for $5!!!! I sanded it down and painted it white. I was a little intimidated at first because I have never painted furniture before, but it was really easy. The bedding I got really lucky and found the exact colors I was looking for at Marshall's on clearance. To make the deal even better, I had some left over money on a gift card that covered the cost of the bedding. The main cost of the room makeover was the new mattress. There is a small, family owned furniture shop that is close by that I got a great deal on the mattress set. I think for everything, I spent less than $350. Not bad if I do say so myself! I still need to get her dresser though, so if anyone out there finds a potential candidate, give me a call :).

Would have been

Saturday would have been my due date with Gracie. I knew the day would be hard, so we decided to do something fun. The three of us headed to Elmwood for some rides and some not so healthy food :)

Ava could jump all day. We did have to take her out a little early. She bounced so much, her asthma started acting up. It didn't' faze her at all, and she wanted to go back in.

It was a great family day. When we got home, we had this waiting for us. My grandma new I was struggling and wanted to get us something to remember Gracie by. How can it be that someone you knew for such little time could make such a huge impact on your life? I have to say that the pain is getting less and the strength Danny and I are taking away from losing our second daughter is making our family so much closer.

more test results

So I got some more test results in. It turns out I have a rare (go figure) clotting disorder. I make a lot of tiny clots, esp. during pregnancy, that prevents blood and nutrients to get to the placenta. the doctor said that is the reason Ava had IUGR (small baby that didn't grow) and was lucky to even carry her. Now I have to take aspirin and extra folic acid everyday. I'm at greater risk for strokes (great!) and have to make sure I tell the doctor if I have any procedure done in the future. If/when I would get pregnant again, I would continue the aspirin and also start blood thinner injections twice a day as soon as a heart beat can be seen. Then at 12 weeks(can't forget my incomp. cervix), I would have a cerclage. I would have to be followed by a specialist once or twice every week during my pregnancy-small price to pay, huh :) My OB, who is fantastic, was actually pretty happy to find a reason why everything keeps happening. I'm still pretty cautious because I feel like whenever something happens, they find something else that plays a part in causing it. What makes her think it won't happen again and find yet another reason why I lost a baby. I keep reminding myself that it is all up to God and I pray that we will have a healthy baby someday.

it's time to start your christmas shopping

yep, you read right! This year, we will again be doing Operation Christmas Child. You just fill a shoe box full of goodies, pay for shipping, and off they go to needy kids around the world. I had the opportunity a while ago to talk to a pastor who got to hand out some of the shoe boxes in Haiti. He said that even though the kids are excited about everything, they are most excited about school supplies (pencils,paper). He said that most families can't afford school supplies, and if they don't have the supplies- they don't get to go to school. Could you imagine?! We are so lucky to have all of the opportunities that we take for granted everyday. So while you are out getting everything on your kiddo's school list, why don't you throw in a couple extra notebooks and pencils (esp. when everything is so cheap this time of year- I just bought notebooks for $0.10/each!). If you aren't planning on sending any shoe boxes this year, I would be happy to take your donations and include them with our boxes this year. Last year we did four boxes, and I'm hoping to do more this year.

Some questions for God

As everyone can tell from my previous post, I've been having a hard time lately. But sometimes the joys of being a PICU nurse can make things even harder. I've learned how to justify or find something good from deaths. After losing many baby angels and becoming quit close with a couple of really special families, I can usually find the best out of things. I can sometimes even justify my losses: maybe God wants Danny and I to be closer (which we have since losing Gracie) or maybe he wants me to cherish Ava with every fiber of my being. The one thing that I cannot, CANNOT justify is when we get our abuse kids. Even more now that I have experienced a loss of a baby that we sooooo wanted, it tears me apart that much more that someone could torture a gift from God. I just picture having the baby as my own and think about how extremely happy Danny and I would be to have him/her. Why does God give people the greatest gift when all they do is beat them to death? Why couldn't we have that baby? I just don't understand! We would take any of those babies, but instead they get beaten/shaken. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do and feel like I make a difference, but sometimes it would just be easier to have a "normal" job.

struggling

I have to admit, I have really been struggling lately. I keep questioning, "was I only meant to be a mother of 1?" "Why us? Why can some women have a lot of kids when they can't even take care of them, and we only have one?" Don't get me wrong, I feel tremendously blessed to have Ava, I thank God for her everyday. I just feel stuck in the road of healing. I'm angry, doubtful, and lost. I think as Gracie's due date gets closer, it will only get worse. I was thinking today, I would be 8 months pregnant. Would I be bigger than I was with Ava? Would Ava be excited to be a big sister? What would the nursery look like? When I was pregnant with Gracie, I really liked the modern idea of yellow with black furniture. Or would I go the more traditional route of pastel pinks and purples? Then I go to "will I see my babies in Heaven? How will I know that it's them? Will they still be babies, or will they be grown?" I'm just....lost.