Decorating Pumpkins

So I chickened out again this year. I just can't seem to bring myself to carve a pumpkin with Ava yet. I don't think she would enjoy it, and I would have to end up doing cleaning all of the guts out myself. I hate that job! Next best thing, painting!!! I don't think Ava even knows there is a different way to decorate pumpkins :). Maybe next year when we're both a little braver.

I forgot to get a picture of the final masterpiece, oops. Ava always has so much fun painting. You can give her just about anything, and she would be happy to paint it :)

trust in Him

"Nothing is for nothing- no pain in our life is wasted."

I have to admit, I have been struggling. I've been flooded with so many emotions (pure anger, disbelief, sadness, loss of hope, and jealousy). I ask, "why me, why have I had to mourn the loss of two babies?" I need to give all of my worries and pain to Him, and trust and thank Him for everything that I have. As hard as it is, I am so thankful for my three angels, my one on earth and two in Heaven.

an aching heart

These past couple of weeks have been really hard for me lately. I don't know why, but all I keep thinking about is what should be. I should be rocking a baby and watching my two girls together. My heart is literally aching. I try to be happy for others, but it has been really hard lately. A lot of people are pregnant around me, and honestly I am so stinkin' jealous. I want to be pregnant with a healthy baby. I feel like I was so cheated. Yes, I have my moments, but I think I'm a great mother. It's not fair to love someone so much and to have them taken from you so early. I know that it happened for a reason, and God has a reason for all of this, but I feel so empty sometimes. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like a part of me is missing. Sorry to be so negative, but I can only put on a happy face for so long.
The other day my mom and I were eating at a Chinese place. When I opened my cookie I got, "you have to go through the rain to get to the rainbow." I'm definitely going through the rain. I pray that I see the first glimmers of my rainbow soon.

Cue the Angels

Hallelujah! We got 6 hours of sleep last night! I feel like a different person. We still need to catch up some, but so far this morning there has been no loss of tempers, hysterical tears, or walking into things from either of us :).

update

Ava's breathing is doing much better. I only had to do a couple of treatments during the night. The only thing that is left is a nasty cough and lots of drainage (sorry). The steroids that she is on always does horrible things to her mood. One minute she is bouncing off the walls with energy and the next she has a melt down for no reason. The lack of sleep may also play a part in it too. We haven't had a night's sleep since Friday. I am just exhausted. My brain is gone. Today I actually threw some dirty laundry in the refrigerator. I didn't even realize I had done it until later today. Please pray that Ava continues getting better and has no more respiratory issues and a good night's sleep for the both of us.

Tis the season

For Ava's breathing issues to start up that is. Well, last weekend she got a cold, and I just knew it wouldn't be good. Whenever she gets a simple cold, it hits her hard. I tried to get her through the weekend, so we could go to her regular pediatrician. Last night didn't go too well. I was doing breathing treatments every hour and she started acting air hungry. So into the ER we went. I thought it was kind of pathetic when we were walking through the doors and the receptionist said, "Well, Ava McGraw. Just go straight back." No need for birth dates, insurance, or a name for that matter. I guess we are well known :). They hooked her up to a pulse ox right away, 80%, eesh! It is sooo scary being on the other side of things. Seeing her going thought what I would consider simple things at work made me want to cry. Of course it doesn't make it any better that I think of the worst things imaginable. I always worry they will find something horrible (CF, diseased lungs, heart defect, pulm. HT) just to name a few. It's horrible knowing everything that can happen. Things just run through my head: "no, her heart doesn't seem too big", "are her fingers starting to look clubbed?"
The doctor couldn't get over how well she sat with her continuous nebs going through her mask. I almost took a picture of her, but she looked pretty pathetic. I think she sat so still because she could finally breath. I was doing fine until I looked over at her with her mask on and retracting back to her backbone and she said, "mommy, I love you." Oh, the tears started flowing. I think about my great friend, Julie and all she went through with Livs. She told me once that the only time she ever cried was when she was on the general pediatric floor. She had to see her little girl go through the unimaginable, and here I am crying over a mask. Oh, I would sooo be one of those moms that every nurse prays they don't have to take care of:).
It seems like it is taking more and more to get her through these episodes which is scary. We used to be able to do an albuterol and oral steroid. We are now up to continuous nebs and IV steroids. The doctor also thought she may have the beginnings of pneumonia, so antibiotics were started as well. Please pray these things start working, so I can have my energy filled, dare devil little girl back.

My father in law, the bravest man I know

This man has come to my rescue many times. My first experience was when Danny and I just bought our house. We redid the whole house and got to work as soon as we got the keys. About day three of construction, I hear my husband scream (I'm sure he would say a yell, but it was a scream) from downstairs. I thought for sure he had electrocuted himself. I came running downstairs to see what happened, and I see Danny laying on the floor yelling, "save yourself." Then I saw it, a bat! Eww, I hate bats. So like any smart woman would do, I booked it outside and left Danny inside to fend for himself.
Soon Danny jumped into his truck to "go get some things so we could get the bat out." Excuse me, "we". So I call my mom to take my place :). My mom comes right over and the two of us wait outside on the back porch. Danny came back with his fire helmet and grabbed a tennis racket from the garage. He looks at my mom, who came packing with a little kid's butterfly net, and shook his head. He rummaged around in his truck and came up with another fire helmet. This was no ordinary fire helmet, it was the plastic ones that they give out to the kid when they take a tour of the fire station. I soon see my brave husband with a tennis racket in hand and my mother with her butterfly net and plastic little hat enter "the danger zone."
Again me being the smart one, I stay outside. Then I hear both of them screaming. I look through the window and see the bat diving down at them while they are both laying on the floor. So I decide to call in reinforcements. I call my father in law. I shows up with nothing but a smile on his face. Me: "you didn't bring anything to catch it". He pulls out a pair of gloves from his back pocket and walk inside. Needless to say, that night I didn't have to sleep with the covers over my head.
The second time my FIL saved me came a couple years later. I came home and heard some scratching in the garage. I grab Ava and run inside. I was sure it was some rabid possum waiting to strike at just the right time. Just like always, my FIL comes over with nothing but a grin. Again, I watch from indoors this time. He yells at me to come out to see the savage beast that threatened the life of Ava and I. It was..... a sparrow. In my defense, it was a very mad sparrow- and larger than a normal one.
Today, again my FIL came to my rescue. I found a spider the size of a baseball in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to kill it, so I trapped it under a cup.... that now is in the trash. He comes right over and does what he does best- uses his bravery to yet again save me. Thank you Dan, I don't know what I would do without you, and I'm glad I have provided you with so much humor over the years.