One day at a time...

Wow, I can't believe how hard this is. I couldn't get to sleep last night, I just wasn't tired. You would think I would be exhausted not sleeping for over 36 hours, but I wasn't. I just replaying everything that had happened. I did manage to get four hours of sleep or so. The horrible part was when I woke up, I didn't realize right away that I wasn't pregnant anymore. Then all of the feelings and memories came flooding back from the night before. I can't explain the feeling of one day feeling your baby moving inside of you to the next day being literally "empty".
It's weird, but all I want to do is be around Danny. I haven't been that way since we first started dating. I think he has noticed because he's taking the week off to stay home with me. I always try to find some kind of good in everything that is bad, so I guess I just found one. This has brought the two of us closer together than ever before.
Today we went to the funeral home. At the hospital they offered to have her cremated and put in a "common grave". They said all of the amputations are put in the same place together. The location would be unknown. I couldn't imagine miss Gracie together with a bunch of arms and legs, so we decided to make our own arrangements. I was dreading going to the funeral home, and I could tell Danny didn't want to do it either. Once we got there, it wasn't that bad at all. We made all of the arrangements and picked out everything we wanted. It was like a huge burden was lifted off of us when we left.
I definitely have my ups and downs. One minute I'll be laughing with Danny and the next, I'll be crying. It's so hard to explain how devastating it is. I never thought it would be so hard considering I never saw the baby, but she was my baby.
I also can't believe some of the things people say to you. "I know how you feel" (I don't mind this when they really do know how I feel, but if you've never lost a child, you don't know how it feels.) "You still have one child." "You can have another baby." Most likely people just aren't sure what to say because I've been in that position when you want to comfort, but you really don't know what to say.
I have been asked when we will try again. I honestly don't know. I do feel like I want to be pregnant again, but I think that's just to try to overshadow the pain I'm having right now. I do want to have another child. I don't know if it will be sooner rather than later. I was getting fond of the idea of having kids that were closer in age. It may be a long way down the road, too. I think I would be a nervous wreck the whole time, and I really don't know what I would do if I had to do this again.
I follow another website of this amazing, inspirational woman/mother. She does "birth stories". I love this idea. Even though this wasn't planned to happen this way, Gracie still has her very own "birth story". I'm sure sometime I will sit down and write about it.
I'm almost done rambling :). I have found that this blog has helped and reading other peoples' stories who have gone through the same thing is really starting the healing process. Who knows, maybe mine will help someone in return.