Confessions

Oh me, oh my!!! My life has been crazy lately. Since my cerclage in January, I had to be on bedrest for a month. Then I got to try a couple of 8 hour shifts, then a couple of 12 hour shifts. We were starting to struggle because all of my time off was used when we lost Gracie because my doctor didn't feel I was emotionally ready to go back to work especially where I work. I felt pretty good doing my 12 hour shifts. I would just get a little crampy towards the end of the day. So I thought that with more bills coming in that we could pay, I would just do a couple of 8 hour shifts on top of my 12 :). My work has been so awesome with working around my schedule and giving me good assignments (ones I'm hopefully not running my butt off), so I wasn't that worried about doing extra. And, first confession, I didn't tell my doctors (they didn't have to pay my bills) or my family (I could just hear them now). Well, after my second extra 8 hour shift, I was pretty crampy when I got home. No big deal, I would just take it easy like I usually do. Then I started bleeding (bring in bad memories of Gracie's pregnancy), having pressure, and contractions. Nothing scared me more than the contractions. Poor Danny was such a trooper. I made him run downstairs and make me something to eat because I knew I wouldn't be able to eat anything for a while (hey, i get crabby when i'm hungry and nobody wants to be around that) and, confession #2- I made him paint my toenails :). Luckily I shave my legs often with all of my appointments that I have to go to, but my poor toes had been neglected. And from past experiences in labor and delivery, you don't get to wear ANYTHING- not even socks, and I was not going to be that ball baby mess with ugly toes. I was at least going to have nice toes while I was crying, damn it :). Danny did a pretty good job, even though his exact words were, "this doesn't get told to ANYONE". So i'm hoping everyone is good at keeping secrets!
Once we got there, I was told to go straight to L&D by my doc, so that's where we went. The little college girl at the front desk asked my due date (I was 19 weeks and 6 days), she said, "i'm sorry but we only accept 20 wkers up here, so you will have to walk down to the ER." Are you kidding me- one f***ing day (pardon the language)! I saw Danny out of the corner of my eye take a step back, I don't know if he was preparing himself for what I would say or getting ready to make the long trech back to the ED. I very assertively (as I like to put it) told the little girl that she would have to call my doctor (I had her cell phone number in my hand) and inform her of the news, until then, I wasn't moving. So we were whisked away to a L&D room :).
My doctor came in in her yoga pants to check me out. I can't say enough how fantastic my doctor is! "I wasn't about to let anyone else see you, but me." When she checked me, I wasn't dilated, but she could feel the baby right there. "If your water happens to break from the pressure, there's not much we can do." Wow, this was serious.
So off to antepartum we went. Everyone was so wonderful over there. I got put into a private room since that mom just had her baby. I later learned that that mom was admitted at 20 wks with her cerclage and just delivered at 37 wks. Oh, that could be me, and I couldn't imagine being stuck in that small room for 17 weeks. God was with us because my contractions stopped after being put on two different medications. We got to go home Monday night! I felt so bad for Ava because she still doesn't know we are pregnant. I'm so afraid once we tell her, we will loose the baby.
Confession #3- rewind before the weekend. I had been praying big time that God would provide us a way to pay our bills (getting late notices from the bank is not so good). I thought that maybe that was His way of getting our bills taken care of. If I didn't have a baby to be on bedrest for, I would be at work, and be make my regular paycheck. Crazy thinking, I know, but I couldn't get it out of my head. Honestly, the thought is still there. Was that His way to solve our financial struggles?
Things have been going pretty well. I had to be on strict bedrest for the remainder of the week and follow up with an appointment today. I was eager to get the ok to head back to work ( I was planning to see if work could use me tomorrow :) ). I didn't get that ok, I got another month of bedrest. ANOTHER MONTH!? My faith has really been tested today. Thoughts are racing through my head- would this all be for nothing? should I lie and go back to work? Would we have a house to live in or would it get taken away? would our marriage survive this other blow? I guess only time will tell. I keep reminding myself of something my coworker just said last week, "He gives you just what you need. You may not like what you get, but He always gives you enough." I need to have faith and trust. "We will get through this, one way or another, we will get through this." Oh Lord I love my husband. Sorry this post has been so long, but I needed to get everything off of my chest. Please keep the prayers coming, I can feel them.