Bitter Sweet

As mentioned by a previous post, I went with the bare essentials in Christmas decorations this year. Partly because I'm busy and lazy, but the main reason is my uncertainty and longing. As many know, I'm a PICU nurse. This is more than just a a job for me but has become a big part of my life. I have been struggling lately and wondering if this is where I am supposed to be and if this is what I am supposed to be doing.
I have really connected to several families and have gotten particularly close with a few :). Normally, if someone heard me say this, they would think great, what a great perk of the job. Who wouldn't love making new friends. However, these friendships don't come in the usual way. Most of these relationships have come because a child has died.
Lately, the memories, bonds, and longing have taken there toll. Some days I feel honored to share such a precious part of life. Other days, I just feel plain crummy. Most days I just feel misunderstood and alone. People in the "outside world" just don't understand what goes on everyday. I mean, how many people have sat and rocked a baby who has just gone to Heaven and sang to them for a while? The same song you used to sing to them everyday you were with them; "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine....". These kids aren't just go to work, get the job done, and go home. These kids are our lives, and it makes me so mad when people don't see it this way.
Anyway, sorry for the tangent, back on track now. So I was taking down the Christmas tree and putting all of the ornaments back in the tub that would sit in the basement until next year. This year I decided to only put up bows, ball ornaments, and an angel- nothing else. I had everything put together on the table ready to transport to storage when something caught my eye.



Do you see it?
On the angel there is an ornament. I totally forgot putting it up. My grandma gave this to me the year my grandpa passed away. This is what it says.










Merry Christmas From Heaven
I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes
and all of your cares
I'll even remind you
to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment
to stay in His grace
I came here before you
to help set your place

You don't have to be
perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb

To my family and friends
please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you
In a new special way

I love you all dearly
now don't shed a tear
Cause I'm spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year


I guess this was an answer to my many questions. I will keep on loving those babies and families as much as I can. I will laugh, hug, and cry just like before. I will even sit and rock for as long as I have to to say my goodbyes.
"Please don't take my sunshine away"