The McGraw Family

Slacking again

2011-12-01T20:52:00.003-06:00

I am so behind on here. Oh where to begin? Ava is liking preschool for the most part. She is still being an awesome big sister! Emi is getting bigger everyday. She's on the 80th% for weight and wearing 9 month clothes already. We had a good thanksgiving and are preparing for xmas. I'll update if I ever find the time in this crazy house :)

2 month check up

2011-09-20T17:03:00.002-05:00

Miss Emi had her two month check up today. She weighs a whopping 10 lbs 12 oz. and is 22 inches long. I was for sure she would weigh more than that. She did pretty good with her three shots :(. When Ava got her shots, she was just tired. Emi has been soooo fussy. It's like she's a different baby. I hope she starts to feel better soon.

second child syndrome

2011-09-18T17:41:00.002-05:00

Well, Emi has it, second child syndrome anyway. I was so on top of things with Ava- pictures, baby book, video camera. Poor Miss Emi won't have all of those things. I do take pictures (not as many as Ava- I think she had a photo album just of her birth alone). I haven't gotten any developed to put in the photo album. I think I have gotten to the family tree part of the baby book, I haven't even thought of birth announcements (Ava's was out within the first week), and she has yet to make an appearance on the video camera (does it make it a little better that I recorded little clips on my camera?) I hope she doesn't feel less loved when she gets older. I'm trying to make up the difference with lots of squeezes and kisses. Maybe someday I'll get everything caught up. So if anyone got us a gift or card, a thank you and picture are in the future for you :). I just don't know what part of the future :).
On a side note, I remember telling some of my work friends after having Ava that I didn't want to have anymore kids because I didn't think it was possible to love another baby as much as I did Ava. Oh how wrong I was!!!! My heart aches I love her so much! I know I have said it before but everything we went through and every scare was so worth it, and I would do it one hundred times over again to get her. God hand picked her just for me!

update

2011-09-06T13:50:00.002-05:00

I thought I would give a little update. I'm still home-thank goodness. I saw the plastic surgeon a couple of weeks ago. She wanted me to come back in another 6 weeks to see if I will heal some more. All I can say is that this whole experience has been difficult from beginning to end, from the pregnancy, labor, and post partum period. Every second has been worth it. I would do it all twice over again for my little love.
I haven't been very good about taking pictures, videos, and recording things in her baby book as I was with Ava. I feel so bad for that, but hopefully I will redeem myself once Ava starts preschool.

Finally Home!

2011-08-19T16:55:00.002-05:00

Well, I finally got to come home! As soon as they gave me the word, I was dressed and ready to go in no time. Even more exciting, I didn't have to get a PICC line which was originally planned. Just oral antibiotics for this girl.
When I got home, Ava wouldn't talk to me. She was mad at me for being gone so long. That didn't last long. Now she won't leave my side :). I think Emi got longer and chubbier since I saw her last :). I'm still pretty sore, but soooo glad to be home. The only thing that isn't going so well is pumping. I can usually pump 4oz every 3 hours. Now I'm down to just under an ounce every 2 hours. I'm drinking enough water that I should be floating away. I just hope it picks back up soon. I won't be able to nurse for almost two weeks. I hope I don't struggle getting her used to nursing again.

Hopefully on the mend

2011-08-17T09:21:00.002-05:00

Well, I just got back from my ultrasound. To my surprise, they did surgery right after the ultrasound. I didn't have time to call anyone or think about it, so it was good all around. I couldn't worry and my family couldn't worry either. They found three more abscesses and removed what they could. Hopefully just a couple more days of IV antibiotics and then (fingers crossed) home bound. On a side note, I keep hearing from my ob/gyn and the breast surgeon how many women they have been seeing with this same situation. The surgeon said that I was her fourth woman this month- crazy, huh?!

the current plan

2011-08-16T16:41:00.002-05:00

So surgery was consulted today :(. I'll be getting a breast ultrasound tomorrow because there are several abscesses that can be felt under the skin. Then based off of those results surgery will most likely follow. I'm hoping they will do everything tomorrow (wishful thinking- I know hospital time), so I can go home to my babies. My pain meds were changed, so at least I'm a little more comfortable now.
On the home front, Ava is taking it the hardest. I don't really want her to visit because I think it would make things worse when she has to leave and I stay in the hospital. When I call her, the first thing she asks is when I'm coming home, which breaks my heart. I'm also worried she'll associate my hospital stay with Emi and take it out on her. Luckily I have an awesome family and have been taking her on several little fun activities to keep her mind off of things. Some extra prayers tomorrow for Ava would be nice. She has to go for her preschool physical and has to get several shots and blood drawn. It kills me that I don't get to be with her. But again things could be a lot worse, and we are so blessed.

Oh things can never be easy.

2011-08-15T20:45:00.002-05:00

I write this post from the hospital, yes the hospital. At least it's me that's the pt and not either one of my little ones. WARNING: TMI and GROSS. ok, consider yourself warned.
Well, over a week ago I started feeling like I had the flu. I gave the doctor a call- don't worry about it. A couple of days later, things weren't any better but had a fever with it. Gave the doctor a call again- called in an antibiotic for mastitis. Well, a week passed and nothing got better. My one breast, which was a nice fiery red, was now purple. Then last night it opened and all sorts of nasties came out- sorry. I call the on call doctor and another prescription was called in and told to see them in the morning. So this morning I head in with my newest addition. The doctor gave one look at me, rather my boob, and sent me into the hospital. Thankfully I have the greatest family ever, and they came to pick up Emi. So I here I sit for at least two more days with IV antibiotics, and if things don't get any better, off to surgery I go. I have to keep reminding myself that things could be a lot worse, and to not have a little pity party. This too shall pass. Just some prayers would be nice for healing and comfort (mostly for Ava- she is struggling not having mommy at home)

Emi Alice A Birth Story

2011-08-13T16:41:00.002-05:00

Ok, I figured I better write this since time and sleep deprivation are making my memory a little bit foggy. This is the birth story of Emi Alice- the good, the bad, the ugly, and the TMI's :) enjoy!

The Monday before Emi arrived, I was at work doing the oh so stimulating monitor tech job (can you sense my sarcasm?) when I felt like she was literally going to fall out of me. After asking a couple of coworkers what I should do, I got pushed to labor and delivery in my pimped out wheelchair (which by the way if anyone has a picture of it, I would like it for the baby book). After being monitored and checked, I was sent home and told the in deed my darling baby's head was pushing out, but my cervix was staying closed (huh, go figure). So home I went and "took it easy". Are you kidding me, I think I scrubbed my floors everyday that week hoping to get things started. Then Saturday came and I sent many texts to my coworkers (God bless them with my oh so TMI questions and comments throughout this pregnancy) about mucous plugs- thanks guys! Hey I warned you in the first paragraph :).
Well Sunday morning came and I woke up with a horrible back ache. I decided to take a shower (you would think I would have remembered Gracie's arrival with a back ache). So, like with Gracie, I decided to take a shower. I decided that the shower was not helping and maybe I should head to the hospital. By this time Ava comes into the bathroom and wants to take a shower too. I told her that I was only in there because I had a back ache. So I look out and Ava is sprawled out on the bathroom floor saying that she just needed to take a shower because her back hurt too (what a coincidence). I finally convince her to go wake up Danny, so he could take a shower and to tell him that it was very important. On a side note, why don't men ever get subtle hints? So Ava comes back and says that Dad didn't wake up, so she better just go ahead with her shower. Out of the shower I come bribing Ava along the way with a possible sleepover at Grandma's house. I wake Danny up and call my mom to tell her that we would be bringing Ava over. She was excited but, like I also told Danny, I would probably just be sent back home.
Ok, even if I did tell Danny that I would probably be sent home, you would think he would be a little bit scatter brained like you see in the movies. Not my man, no- he takes his good sweet time. He showers, gets dressed, and I get Ava ready. I tell them that I am going out to the car- again subtle hint to get a move on. I sit out in the car for five minutes- no hubby, no Ava. By this time I'm a little cranky with contractions and, well I'm not very patient, so I head inside. What do I find when I go upstairs? They are still in the bathroom! Not just that, they are experimenting what toys float and what toys sink in the water! "Are you kidding me!" and I stomp down the stairs. They must have finally gotten the hint, and away we went to Grandma's house.
On the way out of town, we turn behind my cousin's husband. Danny, "he's going to know what we are doing." On a side note, he was the first one to know about this pregnancy waaayyyy before anyone else in my family. He kept it a secret the entire time, bless his heart, but has been raked over the coals ever since by all of the female family members :). We try to act not obvious (we didn't want everyone to get their hopes up over a false alarm), but he waits for us at a stop sign. With a grin, "where are you guys going?" We finally confess, and he wishes us luck.
Once we get to Peoria, we park in the ED lot. We get wheeled up to labor and delivery and am attached to the monitor. After a little while, my contractions slow down- geez here we go again. (on a side note I was going to be induced the next day, so I was secretly hoping they would just keep me). I was also not even admitted yet and was laying in the triage room that has no tv- so Danny was bored. The same rules applied for him like Ava's birth. No talking, no laughing, no eating, no touching. Hey, I like to suffer by myself. By this time I have to go to the bathroom and when I come back I am having horrible back pain and a lot of pressure. I ring for my nurse to check me and tell Danny to go ahead and get our bags out of the car-mainly the camera. So Danny leaves, and the nurse checks me. I've dilated from a 2 to a 4 in a matter of ten minutes. Nurse, "ok, so it looks like you will be having a baby today." The baby must have heard this and decided to speed up the process. By the time they call my midwife, get my midwife, and wheel me to my room, I've dilated to a 7. My midwife comes into my room to check me, I'm a 9. WAIT! I don't have my epidural or my husband. Come to find out Danny got lost, and called my mom in a panic. Did he really think she could help him an hour away? Also note, that he didn't even know I was admitted yet, so nobody was told to start heading to the hospital. Ok, back to me, the midwife asks if she can break my water and I would probably have the baby in no time. Me, "no, I can wait for my epidural". (hehe, i'm more concerned about my epidural being there over my husband- hey natural child birth hurts like h%$&!!!!!!) Finally Danny makes it back to find the midwife going ahead and breaking my water. As soon as she breaks my water the contractions are TERRIBLE!!! It hurt, and (embarrassingly) I made sure everyone knew it. I remember hearing the midwife yelling at the nurse to get her gown, gloves, and some other things. I guess they weren't expecting her to come that fast. Well, the midwife managed to get her gloves on before I gave a push and out she came. It was amazing!!!! Here she was, this perfect little thing on my chest that I had worked so hard to keep. I was also so proud of myself for doing it without any pain medication (not that I ever, ever, ever want to do it that way again). I was worried because she wasn't crying at all, just looking around. The nurse kept telling me she was fine because she was nice and pink. I was a little confused that I got to hold her so long since Ava had to be taken away first before I got to see her. It turns out I was holding her so long because NOTHING was ready. Me, "what time was she born?" Nurse, "12:09". Me, "what? we only got here after 10:00!" I guess when she was ready to come, she was ready.
In the mean time, my mom decided to head on out since she hadn't heard anything. Danny called her once she was born and my mom was still half an hour away. She said he sounded panicked. I bet he was because he went from me just in triage to coming into the room only a couple of minutes before the baby was born. And my cousin's husband to his wife, "have you heard anything from Bethany?" My cousin, "what are you talking about?" Him, "well, I saw them driving to peoria." So needless to say he got in trouble again for not spreading the gossip.
After the great name debate, I just kind of knew that she was an Emi. She was perfect! I couldn't wait to call Ava and tell her the news. She was the first person to know her name. She was so proud and so excited. Ava to everyone, "my baby finally came out!" The next day she got to see her little sister. She was so proud and is still telling everyone, even strangers in stores, all about her little sister.
We are so blessed to have three little girls, two angels here with me and one angel waiting for me when the time is right.

Introducing Emi Alice

2011-08-03T15:41:00.003-05:00

Emi Alice McGraw arrived very quickly Sunday July 17th, 2011, weighing 6lbs 4oz and 19 inches long.

Sorry for the delay, I've been a bit sleep deprived the past couple of weeks. More pictures and a birth story to come soon.... hopefully :)

Baby update

2011-07-06T15:29:00.003-05:00

Last Friday I got my cerclage out. After that I had to be monitored for an hour. The doctor didn't like some of the decels. she was having, so off we went for another sono. At the sono, BGM was breathing very shallow, had a very low heart rate, and took 20minutes to move. So off I went to be admitted to labor and delivery. Wouldn't you know that she looked fine at the sono there. Oh, my girls will be the death of me someday.
Today I had another appointment. My doc decided that if our little girl has not made her grand entrance by the 18th, we will be inducing. It seems like such a long way away, but it's only a week and a half from now!!! Wow, I can't believe it. I have been feeling really guilty lately. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I feel bad that Ava's life will never be the same again. She only has a week and a half left of being the only one getting attention. After that, she will have to share, and I just feel so bad for her. I hope other parents feel the same way. I am going to make a point to have just mom and Ava days. I just hope I don't traumatize her from all of this. I know everyone is laughing at me right now because siblings are the norm, but I just feel awful.

Ava's Painting Party

2011-06-29T12:32:00.004-05:00

This year's bday theme was painting, since it is one of Ava's true loves :)
Odd angle, but the fruit tray includes all the colors of the rainbow. The rest of the menu included: fair sized hot dogs (they were huge!), different colored ketchup and mustard with paint brushes to paint onto the hotdogs, a salad (that also had every color of the rainbow), chips and dip (again, had a chip for every color), potato salad (my grandma,"you can't have a party without potato salad"), and my Aunt Kay's baked beans (she knows that baked beans is one of the things I've been craving with this pregnancy- along with corn on the cob :) )

I just have to point out the shirt. I found this on a clearance rack last year and saved it for this year's party. Yes, I know the themes way in advanced. Hey, that's how you get the best deals, and yes I already have something in mind for next year but not set in stone yet.

I made all of the cupcakes (along with Ava's help). Since Ava's favorite color is red, she got one cupcake heaped with frosting for each year :) I then set up a "decoration station" for everyone to decorate their own cupcakes. The "paint can" was filled with all different kinds of sprinkles. The "paint cans" were made from the giant economy sized canned goods that schools use (I have my connections :) ). They held all of the silverware, sprinkles, napkins, and wet wipes.

Not to brag, but didn't they turn out awesome!?

This is when the rain started to pour. I was hoping it would miss us, but no luck. Thankfully, my grandma has huge trees in her yard, so everyone stayed dry (until the end). One of the kid's activities was a squirt gun fight. Not just any squirt gun fight, though. Each kid (and some adults) put on a white tshirt and chased after each other with their squirters that were filled with....paint! A little background story, we decided to test this out a couple of weeks before hand to make sure it would work. Well, the paint looked great on the shirts but didn't look so great stained on Ava's skin for a week. The worst was her blue splattered face that she sported for the week. So, more testing had to be done, and I'm happy to say all of the children washed clean in the rain :). The shirts turned out really cool too. The kids ran around painting each other for a couple of hours.

Another activity, that I didn't get because of the rain and me rushing to get everything in, was finger painting. I covered a buffet table with paper. Did you know that you can get the end rolls of the newspaper from the newspaper company for free or really cheap? Who knew? The day before I made finger paints of every color. We spooned them all out into bowls and let the kids have at it. Our youngest guests, 10 months, particularly enjoyed this.

All in all, this was a great party. I'm just bummed that it got rained out. Our parties usually last around six hours. What can I say, our family knows how to have fun. We promised all of the kids that we would have a "do over day" on a nice day to do squirt guns, finger paint, and swimming. Well, better start planning for next year's party :)

Ava Finnli is 4!

2011-06-29T12:14:00.003-05:00

Well, I can't believe I have a 4 year old! She is truly the light of my life. Over the past months, I've noticed she is turning into a little person. The things she says and understands is unbelievable. Here is a little interview with my amazing 4 year old.

What's your favorite color: red and pink
What's your favorite food: pizza and broccoli
What's your favorite movie: Rapunzel
What's your favorite thing to do: play outside
Who's your best friend: (Aunt) Laney
What do you want to be when you grow up: a sunshine fairy

I lost her interest after that. She's still a busy bee and is always on the go. Enjoy the pics!

35 weeks baby!

2011-06-29T08:44:00.002-05:00

I never would have imagined I would have lasted to this point. I get my cerclage removed this Friday. Most of my family think I'll go right into labor on Friday. I think I'll have to be induced because I'll be overdue. It will be just my luck that I've worked so hard to keep BGM in, she won't want to come out. I have been having a lot of contractions the past couple of days and horrible back pain, so we will see. We have everything ready, but still no name.
As for Ava, she has been busy having her birthday and going on vacation with Grandma. I will update about that later, so I can give the post its proper attention :)

Getting There

2011-06-01T18:02:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm 31 weeks. Can I get a hallelujah!!!! I'm pretty impressed with myself considering my perinatologist thought I would be lucky to get to 28 weeks. I'll be getting my stitch out at 36 weeks. I'm hoping to go right into labor, but my luck I'll be close to 42 weeks :). I feel like I have gotten twice the size of my normal self overnight. The other night, Danny took Ava and I out to our favorite mexican restaurant. I literally tried on all of my maternity pants and nothing fit. I'm serious, everything was tight and uncomfortable. Call it hormones, body image issues, or just having a pity party over my huge self, but I had a break down. I know that you are supposed to get big when you are pregnant, but I never really did with Ava, and I feel like I will never get back to my normal size.
Well besides my mental breakdown, everything has been going pretty good. I've been trying to plan Ava's next birthday party and get the baby's room ready before I get my stitch out-just in case. Maybe I should put it off, and then maybe I'll go into labor right away. What do ya think?

Easter and Pregnancy Update

2011-05-03T12:49:00.003-05:00

Our whole family always makes plans to get together at least once a month. This month of course was Easter. Each of the kids got a bag (their favorite color) and a designated Easter egg color that they had to find. The kids had a blast!

On Easter, all healthy eating goes out the window. Breakfast of champions, cotton candy!

Ava has been real into Mario lately. I have no idea how or why. She got a Wii Mario game that her and her dad played for three hours that day (yeah, eating and screen time rules go out the window on holidays). She also got a Mario shirt that I had to watch everyday so she could wear it for a week straight (hey, at least it was clean).

Now for pregnancy updates. I failed my glucose test by one point!!! My perinatologist came into the room laughing. She broke the news to me and told me that I have had one of the most unlucky pregnancies. Gee thanks. BGM (baby girl Mcgraw) also has slightly dilated kidneys. The dr. didn't seem too worried, but we will keep a close eye on things. When she was checking my cervical length (sorry TMI),she asked if I have been feeling pressure. Are you kidding me? I feel like I have to walk with my legs crossed and the pressure, that once was just uncomfortable, now just plain hurts. She turned the screen to show me why I was feeling this. TMI again, BGM's head is literally pushing so hard against my stitch that my uterus is getting pushed down. She said there really isn't anything they can do, and that my stitch looks great and is obviously doing its job. She said if I didn't have it in, BGM would already be here. If the pressure continues/gets worse my stitch may have to be taken out early to prevent any tearing. I guess only time will tell. Keep the good thoughts and prayers coming.

still going

2011-04-29T14:17:00.004-05:00

Thought I'd give a little update. I am now almost 27 weeks, woot woot! BGM (baby girl mcgraw) is a very active little thing just like her big sis. I don't know if I can handle two little spitfires that are full of energy though. The excitement of a new baby has been in full swing with my family and coworkers for a while now, and it has been quite contagious to me. We have started to clean out the "toy room" to make room for the "baby room". The great name debate still remains, and my belly is constantly growing. I was never very big with Ava (I'm actually bigger now than when I delivered Ava) so this big belly thing is an all new experience for me. Putting shoes and socks on has become quite the sight :). I get to go to the doctor every two weeks, so time is moving a little closer. I am also sooooo thankful for my friends at work. They are always checking on me, sending encouraging words, and just being plain positive. You definitely find out who your true friends are when the going gets tough.
Now to Easter. We had a fabulous and busy Easter weekend. I will post pics as soon as I find the chord (I always seem to lose).

update

2011-04-05T17:29:00.002-05:00

Well, not much going on here. I haven't had anymore contractions, just lots of pressure. I still can't work, wich really stinks. I had no idea how much I would miss work and "thinking". I have started to do some monitor teching- which i just sit in a chair with my feet up and watch monitors. It is totally boring, but it's keeping the baby inside and providing a little money. My coworkers are soooo great! They come to get me in a wheelchair, wheel me to the bathroom, and wheel me back to my car at the end of my shift. Have I mentioned how great my coworkers/friends are?! I'm starting to let it sink in that we may just get to have a baby at the end of all of this. I'm starting to stress about normal pregnancy things. When should I start getting the baby room ready? I don't want to set it up and then not have a baby to put into it. When should we tell Ava? The sweet thing still hasn't noticed my belly, just my bruises from my lovenox shots. And don't even get me started on the great name debate. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to leave a comment. I like old fashioned names, but can't be too long for early learning spelling purposes :). And Danny, well, he doesn't like anything.

Confessions

2011-03-18T15:00:00.002-05:00

Oh me, oh my!!! My life has been crazy lately. Since my cerclage in January, I had to be on bedrest for a month. Then I got to try a couple of 8 hour shifts, then a couple of 12 hour shifts. We were starting to struggle because all of my time off was used when we lost Gracie because my doctor didn't feel I was emotionally ready to go back to work especially where I work. I felt pretty good doing my 12 hour shifts. I would just get a little crampy towards the end of the day. So I thought that with more bills coming in that we could pay, I would just do a couple of 8 hour shifts on top of my 12 :). My work has been so awesome with working around my schedule and giving me good assignments (ones I'm hopefully not running my butt off), so I wasn't that worried about doing extra. And, first confession, I didn't tell my doctors (they didn't have to pay my bills) or my family (I could just hear them now). Well, after my second extra 8 hour shift, I was pretty crampy when I got home. No big deal, I would just take it easy like I usually do. Then I started bleeding (bring in bad memories of Gracie's pregnancy), having pressure, and contractions. Nothing scared me more than the contractions. Poor Danny was such a trooper. I made him run downstairs and make me something to eat because I knew I wouldn't be able to eat anything for a while (hey, i get crabby when i'm hungry and nobody wants to be around that) and, confession #2- I made him paint my toenails :). Luckily I shave my legs often with all of my appointments that I have to go to, but my poor toes had been neglected. And from past experiences in labor and delivery, you don't get to wear ANYTHING- not even socks, and I was not going to be that ball baby mess with ugly toes. I was at least going to have nice toes while I was crying, damn it :). Danny did a pretty good job, even though his exact words were, "this doesn't get told to ANYONE". So i'm hoping everyone is good at keeping secrets!
Once we got there, I was told to go straight to L&D by my doc, so that's where we went. The little college girl at the front desk asked my due date (I was 19 weeks and 6 days), she said, "i'm sorry but we only accept 20 wkers up here, so you will have to walk down to the ER." Are you kidding me- one f***ing day (pardon the language)! I saw Danny out of the corner of my eye take a step back, I don't know if he was preparing himself for what I would say or getting ready to make the long trech back to the ED. I very assertively (as I like to put it) told the little girl that she would have to call my doctor (I had her cell phone number in my hand) and inform her of the news, until then, I wasn't moving. So we were whisked away to a L&D room :).
My doctor came in in her yoga pants to check me out. I can't say enough how fantastic my doctor is! "I wasn't about to let anyone else see you, but me." When she checked me, I wasn't dilated, but she could feel the baby right there. "If your water happens to break from the pressure, there's not much we can do." Wow, this was serious.
So off to antepartum we went. Everyone was so wonderful over there. I got put into a private room since that mom just had her baby. I later learned that that mom was admitted at 20 wks with her cerclage and just delivered at 37 wks. Oh, that could be me, and I couldn't imagine being stuck in that small room for 17 weeks. God was with us because my contractions stopped after being put on two different medications. We got to go home Monday night! I felt so bad for Ava because she still doesn't know we are pregnant. I'm so afraid once we tell her, we will loose the baby.
Confession #3- rewind before the weekend. I had been praying big time that God would provide us a way to pay our bills (getting late notices from the bank is not so good). I thought that maybe that was His way of getting our bills taken care of. If I didn't have a baby to be on bedrest for, I would be at work, and be make my regular paycheck. Crazy thinking, I know, but I couldn't get it out of my head. Honestly, the thought is still there. Was that His way to solve our financial struggles?
Things have been going pretty well. I had to be on strict bedrest for the remainder of the week and follow up with an appointment today. I was eager to get the ok to head back to work ( I was planning to see if work could use me tomorrow :) ). I didn't get that ok, I got another month of bedrest. ANOTHER MONTH!? My faith has really been tested today. Thoughts are racing through my head- would this all be for nothing? should I lie and go back to work? Would we have a house to live in or would it get taken away? would our marriage survive this other blow? I guess only time will tell. I keep reminding myself of something my coworker just said last week, "He gives you just what you need. You may not like what you get, but He always gives you enough." I need to have faith and trust. "We will get through this, one way or another, we will get through this." Oh Lord I love my husband. Sorry this post has been so long, but I needed to get everything off of my chest. Please keep the prayers coming, I can feel them.

almost half way

2011-02-28T14:09:00.002-06:00

I am 18 weeks. Yay! It's going by sooo fast, but yet so slow at the same time. Just thinking how much time I still have to go through, all of the time I still have for things to go wrong, is a little daunting. I'm still hoping for the best, and preparing for the worst. I am back to work, at least part time. I'm hoping to get back to full time because, honestly, money is getting tight around here. Oh well, I just keep thinking that we will get through this somehow and things could be sooo much worse. Keep the prayers coming, I feel everyone's support.

Hoping I'm not jinxing myself

2011-02-20T10:00:00.002-06:00

Drum roll please...... It's a girl!!!! We officially found out a couple of weeks ago, even though I've had a feeling all along. I had a feeling with Ava, Gracie, and this little one. When I told Danny, he was speechless. He wasn't disappointed, I think a little overwhelmed. He will be even more outnumbered by women in the house. We haven't even brought up one single name yet. Ava was the only name (not exaggerating) that we agreed on. With Gracie, it was a struggle, and we finally compromised on the name in the hospital. He picked out the first name and I got the middle. I have some names in mind for this one, but I already know they will be "vetoed" right away :).
I have already picked out fabric for the crib bedding and curtains. I hope I'm not jumping the gun. I never bought anything for Gracie, so I'm worried bad things will happen. I hope not. I'm already so in love with this little girl, but we still have a LONG way to go.

Wow, lots to catch up on

2011-02-06T12:32:00.002-06:00

I have been a total slacker lately. To be honest, I've had other things on my mind and have been down right lazy. Our Christmas was great and our family Christmas party was a lot of fun. The highlight of the show was the talent show. Every year all of the kids do there "talent". Ava's as playing her harmonica. The girl can rock her harmonica (of course it has to be red, because that's her favorite color). She sat up big and tall on a stool with no shoes on, playing her harmonica. She looked like a little hill-billy up there. Her act didn't end there, she had to "accompany" all of the other kids during their songs. I'll have to upload some pics as soon as I can find my chord in my mess of a house.
Other big news (that many already know about), we're pregnant :). I have to admit, I've been trying to not get very excited just in case I get heart broken again, but it's hard to not look forward to possibly having a new baby in the house. I had to tell my friends at work pretty early on because we had some buggy kids. I can't tell you how much amazing support I have at work. The people I work with are truly amazing. We only told my mom a couple of days before my cerclage because Ava had to spend the night.
That's right, I have already had my cerclage. Not the most pleasant experience, but it had to be done. TMI warning; when I finally got to the OR room and the doctor started doing her thing, she said,"we did this right in time." A normal cervix should be around 4cm, mine was only 0.25cm. No wonder I felt like the baby was going to fall out the past couple of days before my cerclage. I had some bleeding and cramping post op, but I still got to go home that night. I was hoping to only be off of work for a week since I don't have very much sick time left. But of course nothing can go as planned. I started to have a lot of pressure and cramping. So hopefully a month of bedrest will do the trick. I so hope I get to go back to work after my month is over. It's sad, but i look forward to my weekly appointments, just so I can get out of the house.
All of this is absolutely worth it, and I would do it again if I had to (the shots of blood thinner, cerclage, bedrest, and lots of prayers). I'm getting a little nervous though because I'm approaching the same gestation as I was with Gracie when she went to Heaven. I have to keep reminding myself that I have no control over this and have to have trust and faith.

christmas to come

2010-12-27T19:28:00.002-06:00

I'm still in the process of trying to find my floors after the hectic weekend. They are covered in toys, plastic twist ties that keep turning up, and laundry that I'm soooo far behind on. Then, to make the clean up even more of a challenge, Ava woke up VERY early with a fever. So today was filled with cuddling my fireball girl and coming up with creative ways to get her to drink. Then to top it off, the pukes started this evening. Oh, the lovely pleasures of being a mom. Oh well, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Once I get the house into somewhat of an order and wash even more dirty laundry now, I will upload some christmas pictures. I hope everyone had a great holiday!

What's been happening

2010-12-22T18:18:00.003-06:00

I have been so lazy and lacking energy lately. I didn't even send out Christmas cards this year. Anyway, this year has been a lot of fun celebrating Christmas with Ava. She's just at that right age. She loved decorating her gingerbread house.
Last week, Ava was in her first Christmas program. She was the North Star. She was pretty upset because she wanted to be a horse. The program was sort of a modern day story of baby Jesus. I tried to explain to her that she was THE north star. All I got was, "fine, I'll be the star, but I'm still angry about not being a horse." I'll take what I can get. :)

Don't mind the man's head in the picture. She had a lot of fun in the program, and can you believe she actually had some shy moments!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-22T18:16:00.002-06:00

Happy Holidays!

From The McGraw Family

Just an update

2010-12-02T07:22:00.002-06:00

I can't believe I haven't posted in over a month. Nothing really has been going on in the Mcgraw household. We celebrated Thanksgiving the day before because I had to work. My family did some black friday shopping. It's turning into quite the tradition :). I have most of my Christmas shopping done, yay!!! I just need to dedicate a day to wrapping, which I hate to wrap.
Ava has been doing well, no breathing issues lately (thank God). I still have my down in the dumps days, but what else is new :). We struggle with the same challenges that many families are all over the country especially this time of year. I try to be thankful everyday, because our situation could be soooo much worse. I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays with their families and loved ones!

Happy Halloween!

2010-11-01T19:05:00.004-05:00

We started out our Halloween festivities by going to the grade school to watch the Halloween parade. Ava was so excited!

She would get so excited to find her friends walking by. "Hi, Kiya!!!"

I don't think she realized that they were kids dressed in costumes. If she saw a Disney princess or Jessie from Toy Story, she really thought that's who they were. So cute!

"Ew, Snow White, you are so bootiful!" :)

This was the first year that I attempted to make her costume. Not the greatest, but I didn't resort to using the hot glue gun like I thought I would. Ava's favorite part of the costume, her "purple bra". :)

Then off to the church for a Halloween party. Aren't they the cutest little mermaid, zombie, dog stuck in a bag of dog food, and Tim McGraw you have ever seen?!

Can't forget the other cousin, Chloe, as a lady bug.

Ava got really into trick or treating this year. She was getting so excited. She would run from one house to the next just giggling. She would ask, "mom, do you think they have a doorbell?" She was more concerned about ringing the door bell than getting candy. She also figured out that if there was a group of kids already at a house, she would wait until they left just so she could ring the bell :). She was so much fun this year, I can't wait until next year!

Decorating Pumpkins

2010-11-01T18:57:00.002-05:00

So I chickened out again this year. I just can't seem to bring myself to carve a pumpkin with Ava yet. I don't think she would enjoy it, and I would have to end up doing cleaning all of the guts out myself. I hate that job! Next best thing, painting!!! I don't think Ava even knows there is a different way to decorate pumpkins :). Maybe next year when we're both a little braver.

I forgot to get a picture of the final masterpiece, oops. Ava always has so much fun painting. You can give her just about anything, and she would be happy to paint it :)

trust in Him

2010-10-29T19:36:00.002-05:00

"Nothing is for nothing- no pain in our life is wasted."

I have to admit, I have been struggling. I've been flooded with so many emotions (pure anger, disbelief, sadness, loss of hope, and jealousy). I ask, "why me, why have I had to mourn the loss of two babies?" I need to give all of my worries and pain to Him, and trust and thank Him for everything that I have. As hard as it is, I am so thankful for my three angels, my one on earth and two in Heaven.

an aching heart

2010-10-14T20:50:00.002-05:00

These past couple of weeks have been really hard for me lately. I don't know why, but all I keep thinking about is what should be. I should be rocking a baby and watching my two girls together. My heart is literally aching. I try to be happy for others, but it has been really hard lately. A lot of people are pregnant around me, and honestly I am so stinkin' jealous. I want to be pregnant with a healthy baby. I feel like I was so cheated. Yes, I have my moments, but I think I'm a great mother. It's not fair to love someone so much and to have them taken from you so early. I know that it happened for a reason, and God has a reason for all of this, but I feel so empty sometimes. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like a part of me is missing. Sorry to be so negative, but I can only put on a happy face for so long.
The other day my mom and I were eating at a Chinese place. When I opened my cookie I got, "you have to go through the rain to get to the rainbow." I'm definitely going through the rain. I pray that I see the first glimmers of my rainbow soon.

Cue the Angels

2010-10-07T08:15:00.002-05:00

Hallelujah! We got 6 hours of sleep last night! I feel like a different person. We still need to catch up some, but so far this morning there has been no loss of tempers, hysterical tears, or walking into things from either of us :).

update

2010-10-06T14:59:00.003-05:00

Ava's breathing is doing much better. I only had to do a couple of treatments during the night. The only thing that is left is a nasty cough and lots of drainage (sorry). The steroids that she is on always does horrible things to her mood. One minute she is bouncing off the walls with energy and the next she has a melt down for no reason. The lack of sleep may also play a part in it too. We haven't had a night's sleep since Friday. I am just exhausted. My brain is gone. Today I actually threw some dirty laundry in the refrigerator. I didn't even realize I had done it until later today. Please pray that Ava continues getting better and has no more respiratory issues and a good night's sleep for the both of us.

Tis the season

2010-10-05T17:51:00.002-05:00

For Ava's breathing issues to start up that is. Well, last weekend she got a cold, and I just knew it wouldn't be good. Whenever she gets a simple cold, it hits her hard. I tried to get her through the weekend, so we could go to her regular pediatrician. Last night didn't go too well. I was doing breathing treatments every hour and she started acting air hungry. So into the ER we went. I thought it was kind of pathetic when we were walking through the doors and the receptionist said, "Well, Ava McGraw. Just go straight back." No need for birth dates, insurance, or a name for that matter. I guess we are well known :). They hooked her up to a pulse ox right away, 80%, eesh! It is sooo scary being on the other side of things. Seeing her going thought what I would consider simple things at work made me want to cry. Of course it doesn't make it any better that I think of the worst things imaginable. I always worry they will find something horrible (CF, diseased lungs, heart defect, pulm. HT) just to name a few. It's horrible knowing everything that can happen. Things just run through my head: "no, her heart doesn't seem too big", "are her fingers starting to look clubbed?"
The doctor couldn't get over how well she sat with her continuous nebs going through her mask. I almost took a picture of her, but she looked pretty pathetic. I think she sat so still because she could finally breath. I was doing fine until I looked over at her with her mask on and retracting back to her backbone and she said, "mommy, I love you." Oh, the tears started flowing. I think about my great friend, Julie and all she went through with Livs. She told me once that the only time she ever cried was when she was on the general pediatric floor. She had to see her little girl go through the unimaginable, and here I am crying over a mask. Oh, I would sooo be one of those moms that every nurse prays they don't have to take care of:).
It seems like it is taking more and more to get her through these episodes which is scary. We used to be able to do an albuterol and oral steroid. We are now up to continuous nebs and IV steroids. The doctor also thought she may have the beginnings of pneumonia, so antibiotics were started as well. Please pray these things start working, so I can have my energy filled, dare devil little girl back.

My father in law, the bravest man I know

2010-09-27T17:22:00.002-05:00

This man has come to my rescue many times. My first experience was when Danny and I just bought our house. We redid the whole house and got to work as soon as we got the keys. About day three of construction, I hear my husband scream (I'm sure he would say a yell, but it was a scream) from downstairs. I thought for sure he had electrocuted himself. I came running downstairs to see what happened, and I see Danny laying on the floor yelling, "save yourself." Then I saw it, a bat! Eww, I hate bats. So like any smart woman would do, I booked it outside and left Danny inside to fend for himself.
Soon Danny jumped into his truck to "go get some things so we could get the bat out." Excuse me, "we". So I call my mom to take my place :). My mom comes right over and the two of us wait outside on the back porch. Danny came back with his fire helmet and grabbed a tennis racket from the garage. He looks at my mom, who came packing with a little kid's butterfly net, and shook his head. He rummaged around in his truck and came up with another fire helmet. This was no ordinary fire helmet, it was the plastic ones that they give out to the kid when they take a tour of the fire station. I soon see my brave husband with a tennis racket in hand and my mother with her butterfly net and plastic little hat enter "the danger zone."
Again me being the smart one, I stay outside. Then I hear both of them screaming. I look through the window and see the bat diving down at them while they are both laying on the floor. So I decide to call in reinforcements. I call my father in law. I shows up with nothing but a smile on his face. Me: "you didn't bring anything to catch it". He pulls out a pair of gloves from his back pocket and walk inside. Needless to say, that night I didn't have to sleep with the covers over my head.
The second time my FIL saved me came a couple years later. I came home and heard some scratching in the garage. I grab Ava and run inside. I was sure it was some rabid possum waiting to strike at just the right time. Just like always, my FIL comes over with nothing but a grin. Again, I watch from indoors this time. He yells at me to come out to see the savage beast that threatened the life of Ava and I. It was..... a sparrow. In my defense, it was a very mad sparrow- and larger than a normal one.
Today, again my FIL came to my rescue. I found a spider the size of a baseball in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to kill it, so I trapped it under a cup.... that now is in the trash. He comes right over and does what he does best- uses his bravery to yet again save me. Thank you Dan, I don't know what I would do without you, and I'm glad I have provided you with so much humor over the years.

until next year, sigh

2010-09-26T16:20:00.002-05:00

For the pool that is. Last year, Ava would only sit on the swimming pool ladder. This year, I'm surprised she didn't form gills. Even if the water was cold, she would still insist on going in. Her lips would be purple and her whole body shaking, but she would refuse to come out. I think next year, we will be spending even more time in the pool.
She figured out how to float on her back, and boy does she think she is hot stuff!

All of the cousins would love spending the whole day in the water. Here's to next year and lots of fun in the water.

Better late than never

2010-09-16T19:39:00.003-05:00

So, I've had Ava's room done for a while now, but just haven't gotten the pics uploaded. I have to admit, I'm pretty impressed how it turned out and the little money I spent. The only thing I still have to do for her room is a dresser. She has a dresser that is a light wood that matched her crib. I want a white dresser but am hoping to find an inexpensive one I can paint and make over.
Here's the breakdown. The curtains are the same ones that were already in the room. I bought fabric dye at walmart and changed them from pink to turquoise. The circles on the curtains are just felt that I cut in different sizes and glued them onto a pin that I pinned to the sheer curtains (she already had those too). Next the lamp I found at a yard sale for $2. It was an ugly green, so I just spray painted it pink. I added ribbon (from my home stash) to the shade to give it some life. The wall decorations are foam board I got at the dollar tree and covered them with fabric (again from my fabric stash). Ava had fun picking out where to put them. The side table I already had in another room.

The bed frame I found at a yard sale for $5!!!! I sanded it down and painted it white. I was a little intimidated at first because I have never painted furniture before, but it was really easy. The bedding I got really lucky and found the exact colors I was looking for at Marshall's on clearance. To make the deal even better, I had some left over money on a gift card that covered the cost of the bedding. The main cost of the room makeover was the new mattress. There is a small, family owned furniture shop that is close by that I got a great deal on the mattress set. I think for everything, I spent less than $350. Not bad if I do say so myself! I still need to get her dresser though, so if anyone out there finds a potential candidate, give me a call :).

Would have been

2010-09-13T08:18:00.003-05:00

Saturday would have been my due date with Gracie. I knew the day would be hard, so we decided to do something fun. The three of us headed to Elmwood for some rides and some not so healthy food :)

Ava could jump all day. We did have to take her out a little early. She bounced so much, her asthma started acting up. It didn't' faze her at all, and she wanted to go back in.

It was a great family day. When we got home, we had this waiting for us. My grandma new I was struggling and wanted to get us something to remember Gracie by. How can it be that someone you knew for such little time could make such a huge impact on your life? I have to say that the pain is getting less and the strength Danny and I are taking away from losing our second daughter is making our family so much closer.

more test results

2010-08-27T12:02:00.003-05:00

So I got some more test results in. It turns out I have a rare (go figure) clotting disorder. I make a lot of tiny clots, esp. during pregnancy, that prevents blood and nutrients to get to the placenta. the doctor said that is the reason Ava had IUGR (small baby that didn't grow) and was lucky to even carry her. Now I have to take aspirin and extra folic acid everyday. I'm at greater risk for strokes (great!) and have to make sure I tell the doctor if I have any procedure done in the future. If/when I would get pregnant again, I would continue the aspirin and also start blood thinner injections twice a day as soon as a heart beat can be seen. Then at 12 weeks(can't forget my incomp. cervix), I would have a cerclage. I would have to be followed by a specialist once or twice every week during my pregnancy-small price to pay, huh :) My OB, who is fantastic, was actually pretty happy to find a reason why everything keeps happening. I'm still pretty cautious because I feel like whenever something happens, they find something else that plays a part in causing it. What makes her think it won't happen again and find yet another reason why I lost a baby. I keep reminding myself that it is all up to God and I pray that we will have a healthy baby someday.

it's time to start your christmas shopping

2010-08-16T19:33:00.002-05:00

yep, you read right! This year, we will again be doing Operation Christmas Child. You just fill a shoe box full of goodies, pay for shipping, and off they go to needy kids around the world. I had the opportunity a while ago to talk to a pastor who got to hand out some of the shoe boxes in Haiti. He said that even though the kids are excited about everything, they are most excited about school supplies (pencils,paper). He said that most families can't afford school supplies, and if they don't have the supplies- they don't get to go to school. Could you imagine?! We are so lucky to have all of the opportunities that we take for granted everyday. So while you are out getting everything on your kiddo's school list, why don't you throw in a couple extra notebooks and pencils (esp. when everything is so cheap this time of year- I just bought notebooks for $0.10/each!). If you aren't planning on sending any shoe boxes this year, I would be happy to take your donations and include them with our boxes this year. Last year we did four boxes, and I'm hoping to do more this year.

Some questions for God

2010-08-11T20:50:00.002-05:00

As everyone can tell from my previous post, I've been having a hard time lately. But sometimes the joys of being a PICU nurse can make things even harder. I've learned how to justify or find something good from deaths. After losing many baby angels and becoming quit close with a couple of really special families, I can usually find the best out of things. I can sometimes even justify my losses: maybe God wants Danny and I to be closer (which we have since losing Gracie) or maybe he wants me to cherish Ava with every fiber of my being. The one thing that I cannot, CANNOT justify is when we get our abuse kids. Even more now that I have experienced a loss of a baby that we sooooo wanted, it tears me apart that much more that someone could torture a gift from God. I just picture having the baby as my own and think about how extremely happy Danny and I would be to have him/her. Why does God give people the greatest gift when all they do is beat them to death? Why couldn't we have that baby? I just don't understand! We would take any of those babies, but instead they get beaten/shaken. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do and feel like I make a difference, but sometimes it would just be easier to have a "normal" job.

struggling

2010-08-01T22:39:00.002-05:00

I have to admit, I have really been struggling lately. I keep questioning, "was I only meant to be a mother of 1?" "Why us? Why can some women have a lot of kids when they can't even take care of them, and we only have one?" Don't get me wrong, I feel tremendously blessed to have Ava, I thank God for her everyday. I just feel stuck in the road of healing. I'm angry, doubtful, and lost. I think as Gracie's due date gets closer, it will only get worse. I was thinking today, I would be 8 months pregnant. Would I be bigger than I was with Ava? Would Ava be excited to be a big sister? What would the nursery look like? When I was pregnant with Gracie, I really liked the modern idea of yellow with black furniture. Or would I go the more traditional route of pastel pinks and purples? Then I go to "will I see my babies in Heaven? How will I know that it's them? Will they still be babies, or will they be grown?" I'm just....lost.

New Project

2010-07-11T20:21:00.002-05:00

A while ago, I let Ava pick out some material for a blanket that would go in her room. Well, the colors she picked did not go at all with her current pastel, pretty girlie room. So my new project is to redecorate Ava's room. Of course, I'm planning on doing it as cost savy as I can. I will post pics and a price breakdown as we get there. Oh, I'm so excited already!

Yay!

2010-07-07T09:37:00.001-05:00

Welcome baby Rowan! My friend Jess had her baby. She has gone through so much to get her. She is loved by many already.

In Love

2010-07-01T08:14:00.004-05:00

I have fallen in love with Craig's List. I was looking on there before Ava's birthday and found a photographer. She is a stay at home, Christian mother of three, who fell in love with taking pictures. She was super reasonable and seemed to have the same taste in photos as me. I'm always up for trying out a new photographer, especially for her prices :). Check out just some of the gorgeous pics she captured while Ava was playing. They are just so her. Let me know if anyone wants her information. Enjoy.

Happy 3rd Birthday Ava Finnli

2010-06-27T18:01:00.005-05:00

Ahoy there, Matey!

The time has come

To hunt for treasure

And have some fun.

Capn' Ava is turnin' 3

So we're raising our flags and going to sea.

Avast me harties come sail the ocean blue.

Grub and grog provided to all the crew.

All the kids had there pirate costumes on. They were all so busy playing, I didn't get a picture of all of them together. But the aunts didn't want to be left out. They came dressed in their scarves and eye patches. Arrrr! Yes, all of my family is a little nutty.

Then everyone painted and decorated pirate chests.

And here's the cake. I have to admit, I was sooo nervous. I have never made a cake before. It doesn't look all that bad.

I used Rolos for cannons, swedish fish, malt balls for cannon balls, and of course some wonder pet pirates.

It took a small pirate crew to keep the capn' away from the cake all morning :)

A special thanks to my cousin, Joy, who took all of the pics so I could just enjoy the day.

You can't really tell, but my mom made Ava a "pirate birthday dress".

And next comes the food. My whole family loves to eat.

Sea slugs anyone?

Sorry, couldn't figure out how to erase the second one :)

On to the treasure hunt. We separated the kids into big kids and little kids. The little kids had picture clues, and the big kids had rhyming pirate clues ( I was pretty impressed with my pirate lingo)

I was surprised none of the kids found any of the clues before it was time.
Each buccaneer got a goody bag with their pirate names on it ( Dirty feet Ava/ Still Roastin' Rowan- she hasn't arrived yet :) )

Overall, the party turned out great. I have to admit, I hardly spent any money on this party. I get a lot of questions about the cost. Well this year, I tried to be a little green and use things that I had around the house. I also give Ava some party theme ideas that she gets to pick. I start planning about 10 months in advance (yes, months). I love planning parties. I have always told my friend, Julie, once she stops being a mom and I stop being a nurse- we would open up our own business :). She's even better at planning parties. I've already started thinking of next year's theme. If you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them :)

Happy Birthday, Tootsie!!

Happy Father's Day!

2010-06-20T07:45:00.002-05:00

Wow, what a year it has been. I have to say, I wouldn't have made it through without my wonderful hubby. He does everything he can to be a great dad, friend, provide to the community, and husband.

He is still a kid at heart, so Ava loves him for that. There's never a dull moment around here.

He has come a long way. From gagging with every poopy diaper change (she was breast fed, so they weren't even that stinky), to watching Toy Story and Neemo over and over again. Thank you to my hubs for being so wonderful. Happy Father's Day!

Sneak Peek

2010-06-07T19:14:00.004-05:00

As some people know, I love, love, love planning Ava's birthday parties. I spend a long time brain storming and putting together the perfect party to go along with a certain theme. Can you guess what this years theme is? That's right, Shiver me timbers, me be planning a pirate party, arrrrr. I have know idea why, but Ava loves playing pirates. I won't give away a lot of details because what fun would that be, but here's what we did today.

Each kiddo got a box with their invitation, a pirate costume, and gold coins.

This is what the invitations looked like for all of the "in towners". I'm sure my mom and I were quite the sight sitting outside and burning all of the invitations. I will have to admit, a couple got away from us, and we had to stomp them out before our fingers burned :)

I hope everyone was surprised when they came home. Who doesn't like a nice surprise?! More details and pics to come.

Life just makes me smile

2010-06-07T19:10:00.004-05:00

This is what I see when I get home from work. I despise doing dishes, but I don't want to give up my cupboard space for a dishwasher. So, my great husband and my naked daughter (see the previous post if you are wondering :) ) do the dishes for me. They are both so sweet, and this site can make anyone smile.

I'll take it however I can get it

2010-06-07T19:05:00.005-05:00

We have been trying the whole potty training thing lately. Ava doesn't do so hot with pull ups (she thinks they are diapers) and as soon as I put underwear on, she pees. She does great if she is naked, hardly any accidents. So this is a warning, if you ever come over to the house, expect to see something like this :). I'm hoping she gets the hang of it by the time she gets to school because she may get a lot of stares in this outfit :)

Our trip to the zoo

2010-06-07T18:51:00.006-05:00

So after our trauma with the car, we finally got to the zoo. Ava loves going to the zoo. Mostly I think she enjoys running around, and looking at the giraffes of course.

Her favorite thing to do at the zoo is ride the carousel. She would ride it all day if we would let her.

Her favorite animals at the zoo are the giraffes. At this zoo, they have two new babies. So cute!

Her second favorite part of the day is the train.

My gorgeous girl! Oh how I love her so!!

Horrible mother moment

2010-05-26T20:53:00.002-05:00

Today we were planning on leaving first thing in the morning to go to Niabi Zoo. Ava was really excited to see the two baby giraffes that arrived last winter. So I put Ava in the car seat and opened up the back of my car to make room for her stroller. I started walking back to the shed to get the stroller, when I hear my car start. For a second, I freaked. But I realized Ava must have pushed my automatic starter on my key. She was so proud of herself when I walked back, her smile was huge. So I loaded the stroller and shut the door. When I went to open up the back door to get my keys, it was locked!!! I forgot that my car locks when the automatic start is used to protect it from getting stolen. No biggy, I have another set of keys in my purse. But my purse was also locked in the car. By this time, Ava starts crying because she realizes she is locked in the car. Here I thought I would be this fantastic mom by enforcing the car seat firmly, so Ava has never once gotten out of the car seat, so she can "stay safe". Well that totally backfired today. She wouldn't even attempt to try to get out and unlock the car. By this time I am panicking just a little. The only thing that made me feel at ease was that the AC was on, so she wasn't cooking in there. Like many families, we only use our cell phones. Yep, you guessed it, in my purse with my spare set of keys. So I run to our neighbors, but they aren't home and they just have cell phones as well. I had to resort to running to my other neighbor's house (some may remember him as the nosy neighbor :) ). They also weren't home. I knew where they kept there spare key to the garage, so I unlocked it and used their phone in the garage. I first called my mom, so she could at least stand outside the car and try to keep Ava from freaking out. No answer, are you kidding me!!! My mom only answers numbers that she recognizes on caller ID. I left a rather "colorful" message and called back :). Needless to say, she answered the second time. Once she got over, I started looking through the phonebook for a lock smith. Finally I remembered (another great reason to live in a small town) the girl who cuts my hair- her dad has his own car shop. I call him, and he comes right over. He got my car unlocked in less than two minutes. By this time Ava and I are both crying. Usually I'm pretty calm, but it seemed like everything just kept going wrong. "Kara's dad" as Ava calls him, refused any money. I now have to do some detective work to find out his favorite place to eat, so Ava can make him a card and maybe take his wife out on us. The entire day, Ava told her great tale about "Kara's dad" saving her to whoever would listen. After I get over feeling like a horrible mom, I'll have to post some pics of the zoo trip.

Mother's Day Traditions

2010-05-10T17:55:00.005-05:00

I hope everyone had a great Mother's Day. Even though I look forward to Mother's Day every year, I will have to admit I was dreading this one. I felt like something was missing because there was. Anyway, I thought I would tell everyone about our Mother's Day tradition. Every year we gather at my Great- Aunt's house. We celebrate almost everything here, it's just where everyone ends up I guess. However, this holiday comes with rules. Rule #1: Husbands, boyfriends, and significant others are not allowed, or as Ava told Danny, "it's a girls only party, dad". It sounds harsh, but it is so nice to be surrounded by strong, funny, witty women.

Rule #2: Everyone has to make their mother a place card, so they know where to sit. Ava picked out what we were going to make for Grandma. :)

My mom is such a good sport. You can't tell but Ava wrote (with some help), "princess grandma" on it. She made one for my Grandma too, but she was being a little bit of a party pooper.

Rule #3: Every year we have a different theme that is announced at the previous year's party, so we have a whole year to plan. Well, this year was "Look what I made/Look what I found". This is what my mom made. Aren't they so neat looking. I kind of slacked off with taking pictures of the other gifts. Ava of course wanted to paint something, so I found little canvases that she painted and glued magnets on the back to make refrigerator magnets. We also had some neat kitchen gadgets, books, umbrellas that fasten onto wagons (for us moms with little ones), and plants just to name a few.

Rule #4: Every woman/girl has to make a dish to pass along with an appropriate name.

There was also a lot of yummy desserts, but I was too busy eating them to get any pics:)

Rule #5: Every child makes their mom's plate ( for the many times that moms must serve their starving kiddos first)

Rule #6: Mom's must clean their plate (for the many times that kiddos hear this rule)
This is my great aunt and grandma, can't tell they're sisters, huh? :)

Ava enjoying the fun conversations.

Of course Ava and Chloe had to test out the umbrella's their momma's got.

Do you see the necklace that I'm wearing? Danny got me this and had some of Gracie's ashes put into it. It is so beautiful and makes me feel so comforted. I love it!

Even though this Mother's Day was a little rough, it was a lot of fun. I'm already starting to think of ideas for next year's theme: "what every girl needs". Any suggestions?

Going Back

2010-05-01T20:10:00.002-05:00

To work that is. Thursday was my first day back to work. I have to admit, I have been so nervous to go back. I hadn't been able to sleep for the past week. But I stressed for nothing! It was so great getting back into the swing of things. It was nice to have something to distract me from thinking. I was a little slow at things, but I'm sure it won't take too long before I'm "good as new" :). The new charting program, even though I don't like it and it has its flaws, wasn't that hard to get the basics down.
Everyone was so nice. Before I thought I didn't want anyone to bring it up to me or give me words of encouragement. I found that it's even harder when people act like nothing happened and don't say anything. A coworker ( who has helped me sooo much with her words, prayers, and own experiences) said it perfectly, "you're grieving a loss, but they aren't acknowledging it".
One blessing out if this is I have gotten closer to some of my best friends and have found a closeness in others I never found before. I am so lucky to work with such amazing people. It's hard to put it into words. I work with some of the most awesome men and women. These people are so great at what they do. It's more than a job to us, it's our life. We treat these kids and their families as if they were our own children and family. My coworkers are more than just people I work with, they are my friends who I dearly love, admire, and am so, so thankful for. Wow, isn't God great for creating such angels on earth!!!

Daddy's Girl

2010-04-26T16:35:00.005-05:00

Ava goes through phases of wanting to be with her daddy every minute to not wanting anything to do with him. When she first started showing a preference of parents, I was really worried. I have now realized that she has the exact personality of Danny. No wonder she doesn't like him some days :). Lately, though, she has definitely been Daddy's girl.

This is what they do on the weekends. I would look like this if I sat down to watch the Cubs play too :).

And what great dad doesn't wind the kids up right before bed?

"Here Dad, I can see what the problem is."

Even though Dad would rather wrestle with her instead of playing with princesses some days, she loves spending time with him..... well, most days that is.

Some mixed emotions

2010-04-19T20:53:00.002-05:00

Today I went to my ob's office to go over the genetic testing that was done on Gracie. Everything was normal. I just don't know how I feel about it. It sounds bad, but I was kind of hoping she had something that was incompatible with life. At least that way I would have some kind of closure. With her being normal/perfect :), I feel like this shouldn't have happened and I should still be pregnant with her right now.
On the other hand, I talked a lot with my ob about future pregnancies. It was nice to have a plan and to somewhat know what to expect. I am now considered having an incompetent cervix. With any future pregnancies, I will get a cerclage and progesterone shots right away. This makes me feel a little better knowing that we'll be a little more aggressive with things this time.
I just don't know how to react to all of this.

Gracie Rose

2010-04-14T19:11:00.005-05:00

I've been wanting to do this for the past couple of days or so, but the timing hasn't been right. Well, tonight Ava fell asleep at 6:30 which is unheard of these days, so I guess it is meant to be. I have found that miscarriage is somewhat taboo. After having Gracie, I found that it helped to read others' stories of their own loss. So here's hoping to help someone else who has to go down this terrible road.
As many know, I was on bed rest for bleeding, incompetent cervix, and a low lying placenta. I was being monitored very closely, and whenever anything changed, my ob was happy to see me just for my peace of mind. My last appointment with my maternal/fetal doctor actually went pretty well. He said that once my bleeding stopped, I could go back to work. I was so excited, and it gave me a little reassurance.
A couple of days after that appointment, I was feeling really crampy and had a terrible back ache. It was so painful, I couldn't even stand up straight to walk to the bathroom. So off I went back to the dr. Once again, I was reassured that everything was looking fine and to keep taking it easy. That next afternoon, the pains were back. By that night, they had gotten worse. I didn't want to go to our small town ER at night just to be told that everything still looked fine. I had convinced myself that I would wait until the next day, Monday, to call my regular doc.
The pains were constant that night so much so that I couldn't sleep. I decided to get up and take a warm shower to hopefully ease my back ache. I remember turning on the water, and I felt something. I'm not sure what I felt, but it was different... almost relief. I looked down and saw my baby's tiny feet. I remember sobbing "oh no!".
I yelled for Danny from the bathroom. He was sleeping, so I was sure I wouldn't be able to wake him with only my yells (if you know Danny he is a very sound sleeper). I don't know how, but he woke up and came right into the bathroom. I told him that I was having the baby and he needed to call my mom so she could stay at the house while Ava was sleeping. I then asked him to grab me a towel. He came running back with this huge bath towel. I don't know how my humor broke through, but it did. I looked at him and said, "how big do you think she's going to be." Finally he came back with a hand towel. Just as I got the towel I had a couple more pushes and out she came right into my hands. She was alive when she came out. She moved a little, but it didn't last long.
I remember crying, but I wasn't historical or anything. I knew the second that I saw her feet that there was nothing anyone could do, and her life would end that day. Danny and I both sat their just admiring our little angel. She was so perfect. Her tiny feet, toes, hands, fingers, nose... everything was there, and they were all so absolutely beautiful. What really struck me was her umbilical chord. I was high risk with Ava too, so after I had her they whisked her away to check her out so I never saw her umbilical chord. It was almost like a small, silver rope. This beautiful peace of God's work is what connected me to my little angel for four months.
By this time, my mom had gotten there. I guess when Danny called her, he just told her that he needed her and she needed to come now, so she had no idea what she was walking into. I don't know why, but i didn't want to share Gracie with anyone. I just wanted Danny and I to see her and hold her. It's pretty selfish to me know, but at the time all I wanted to do was protect her from everything/ anything that I could.
I told my mom that I wanted her to stay at the house with Ava, so we didn't have to wake her up while Danny drove me to the hospital. At the time I didn't notice, but I was bleeding a lot! My mom told Danny he should call the ambulance.
Ok, little background if you don't already know. We are from a small town and Danny is on the fire department. During bad accidents, he is the one to drive the ambulance while the paramedics work on the pt. So I have also gotten to know many of the paramedics since they are close friends to Danny.
Ok back to the story. I was sitting on the floor holding Gracie in her towel, and asked what we were waiting for. Danny said that it wouldn't be too much longer because he was starting to see lights. Me, "lights, what lights". I didn't know he had called for the ambulance. My mind instantly went to all of the male paramedics that I knew and who I was definitely not letting see me from the waist down. I know in this situation it is a bad time to be humble. Miraculously, yes in my mind it was a miracle, Heather came running up the stairs. Heather is an amazing paramedic that I know through Danny as well. Every year, Danny plans a mock wreck for the high school with Heather. I have to say it again, she is amazing! She knelt down beside me and said, "oh Bethany, she is beautiful". That was so what I needed right then.
I was still losing a lot of blood, so they wanted to get me to the hospital asap. I didn't want to go down the stairs being carried in this chair contraption that they have. I told Danny that he was either carrying Gracie and I, or I was going down the stairs by myself. I know, I'm stubborn. So down the stairs we went in Danny's arms :).
Another bad thing about small towns, everyone knows people by address. All of the policemen on duty recognized our address as a "fireman's address" I was later told. Not just our local police, mind you, every policeman. Once we got outside, there parked along the street was an ambulance, FIVE police cars, and four firefighters in their own vehicles. Did I mention that every single one of these vehicles had their lights blazing! Talk about mortified. Also a little background, we have the most annoying neighbor. He means well, but he retired and I'm sure he's bored. He like to know everything. I remember sitting on the stretcher in my front yard,"Danny, does F. have his face plastered to his window right now?" Danny started laughing, "I don't know, I was wondering the same thing." Both of us were too scared to look, so we didn't find out until a couple days later that F. didn't know about it until he read it in the paper :). Another miracle!
I made Danny follow the ambulance in his truck, so we could go as soon as they said the word. Heather sat beside me the entire time. She said again how beautiful Gracie was and did as little as possible with me so I could hold my baby without having to move her around a lot. The ride to the hospital was filled with tears but peaceful at the same time.
Once I got to the ER, the nurses and doctors started buzzing around me. I don't remember anything they were doing. The only thing I remember is an OB nurse holding my hand and crying whole time with me and whispering encouragement and praises in my ear. There was also another nurse who just stood beside me and patted my leg every once in a while. Isn't weird that with everything that was going on in the room, that's what I remember? It felt so good to have someone to just be there for me. Another miracle, I learned something that I will use in the future when I work. Take a step back and focus on the person, not tasks.
On a side note, my cousin is a nurse in the ER. I described the nurse that was patting my leg. She said that she was a nurse who complained about everything, didn't like change, and had worked there forever. Hmm, I know someone like that too :). She is a little rough around the edges, but is an amazing person, nurse, and friend!
Later I was taken to labor and delivery. The tears started flowing. I didn't want to be in a place surrounded by happy families and babies. Thankfully, they put me in a private room at the end of the hall.
I held Gracie until it was time to go. A wonderful nurse sat with me and helped us make decisions about what to do with Gracie. I couldn't imagine having her in an unknown place with other people and parts. We called our funeral home to make arrangements. Me," Jeff, I don't care how you take her out of here, just don't put her in a suitcase." (fellow nurses will know what I'm talking about)
That first week was a whirlwind of tears, laughter, and anger. I don't really remember much about it, just that is was filled with raw emotion. On a side note, the funeral director showed me how he carried Gracie out of the hospital when I held her for the last time. It was a little basket with silk and lace. Another miracle :).
This has not been an easy road for either Danny or I. We have our good days and our bad days. Thankfully, I am having more days when I consider this whole experience to be a blessing. I am so lucky to have been chosen by God to carry sweet Gracie for the short time that I did. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know I will hold both of my girls in my arms someday.

Lions, Tigers, and Baby Giraffes... Oh My!

2010-04-12T19:48:00.006-05:00

Over the weekend, Ava got to spend the day with two of her favorite people, Jack and Brooklyn! The whole way there, she was sure she was going to see a baby giraffe. Good thing she was convinced that the smaller one was in fact a baby :).

Jack is especially good with Ava. She calls him her "sweetie". How stinkin' cute is that!

One final pose for the day.

Once we got home, this is what I saw in the back seat. She was totally exhausted, but we both had a great time. You can't beat fantastic company :)

We just needed a little fun

2010-04-09T21:39:00.013-05:00

Lately Danny and I both have been struggling. I don't know if it is because everything has started to slow down: meetings at the funeral home are done, the mailbox isn't packed with cards anymore, and our doorbell has stopped ringing with flower arrangements waiting on the other side. Or if it is because we have discovered that life moves on whether we want it to or not. Danny has gone back to work, laundry still needs to be done, meals need to be cooked, and bills need to be paid. The two of us have just been gloomy. So today after Ava woke up from her nap, off we went. I wasn't sure where, but we were going somewhere. We ended up in Peoria. I have been wanting to try out Fired Up for a while, so what better day than today.

I love the tongue.

Deep in concentration.

Maybe a lefty?

Maybe a righty?

We definitely needed this. The atmosphere was so calming and soothing. For an hour or so, I completely forgot what was happening around me and just enjoyed what was in front of me.

Painting Day!

2010-04-07T08:38:00.002-05:00

Last year Danny built a shed in the backyard to store Ava's many outside toys :). The plan was to paint it to match our house, but we never got to it. With the weather being nice lately, and one of Ava's favorite things to do is paint- so.... off we went.

Ava did a great job! She only required a half hour of soaking in the tub that night to get all of the paint off of her.

My grandma has always said that you can tell how much fun a little one has had by how messy they got. Well, I think she had a blast. This was only the primer, so hopefully this weekend we will get it finished.

Thanks Julie!

2010-04-06T11:19:00.002-05:00

some easter pics

2010-04-05T20:17:00.003-05:00

Here are a few pictures from Easter. I kind of slacked off taking pictures that day. All I really got was Ava first thing in the morning, so don't mind the bed head.

"I really get to have chocolate for breakfast, mom?" Ok so you may notice that Ava is missing her pj's in this one. Well, after she found her eggs, she was so excited that the Easter Bunny filled them with little dinosaurs. She had to immediately take them into the bathtub, so.... yes she is eating "breakfast" naked. Hey it's a holiday!

Feeling a little lost

2010-04-05T08:50:00.002-05:00

We had a great Easter! We were very busy, 5 stops! Ava loved going through all of her Easter baskets. That girl is definitely loved.
Even though we were having fun, I could tell Danny and I were suffering. Maybe not suffering, but longing. I have been feeling lost lately. I have always been close to my mom and have been able to talk to her about anything, but I just can't seem to open up to her about losing Gracie. I think it is because she has never been through anything like this, so she just doesn't "get" me. The only people I have been able to talk to about everything is Danny and a friend. I guess two is way better than none!
I've been having such a hard time with this, I've been looking into joining a support group. This is another place where I feel lost. There are many miscarriage support groups. However, most miscarriages happen before week 12 where the baby really isn't formed and many don't realize they are miscarrying. Don't get me wrong, this group is experiencing a loss as well but our experiences are different. The other support group, which is very hard to find, is losing a child. Again, I feel like I don't "fit". I couldn't even begin to imagine what these families have gone through, losing children from: illness/traumas. I don't belong to this group either. These families have so many memories, pictures, and belongings from their little ones. I only have memories from Gracie being inside of me, going through labor, holding her, and my many dreams and hopes for her. I just feel lost and like I don't belong anywhere. I guess we will get through this just like everything else.
I will be posting some pics of Easter sometime, so stay tuned.

The Power of Friends

2010-04-02T08:15:00.002-05:00

Well yesterday I ventured out for the first time without anyone with me to spend the day with a good, good friend. I was a little nervous. Would I cry? Would I not know what to say? On the drive over I though, so what if I cry, who cares if I don't know what to say. I will be with someone who loves me and would do anything for me.
It turns out the day went perfectly. We had a great lunch filled with fun conversation and Gracie. I told all of my fears, pains, anger, and relieved the day of her birth. It wasn't as sad as I thought it would be. She was loved by many even though her time here with me was short, she should be celebrated. She has forever changed me and my outlooks, and I have discovered a different kind of love that I have never experienced before.
Thank you so much Julie for the day and searching with me for some flowers. We will be doing it again very soon. I am so blessed to have such great friends that love me and my family!

Not liking this one bit! Warning, very negative post.

2010-03-31T21:03:00.003-05:00

For the past couple of days, I have just been plain mad!!! I don't like to be a mean spirited, negative person, but that's all that I've been lately. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. At who? I don't know: God, the doctors, me, other people who take their blessings for granted? I'm mad, but I can't pinpoint about what or at whom.
I'm mad at me. We weren't planning this second pregnancy like we tried so hard for Ava. Why didn't I celebrate like the first pregnancy. I was a ball of stress worrying about Ava, selling our house, and how my work schedule would affect my new family. Why did I worry about all of these little things, and not truly enjoy every moment I had with a sweet miracle inside of me. Or was it my fault? Did I stand too long in the shower? Was I not proactive enough to save my own child? Why didn't I speak up?
I'm mad at the doctors. Not really mad at my doctors. They always made room for me right away whenever I had more bleeding and cramping than usual. They calmed my fears and cried with me. I'm more mad at the unprofessional attitudes some doctors have. I don't know if it just a small town doctor or just lack of good bedside manner. I just wanted to scream, "Lady, I just went through labor and gave birth to my daughter at home. She may have came early, but she still was a baby. She had fingernails, eyelashes, and a little peach fuzz for hair. Is a smile, hug, or squeeze of a hand too much to ask for? Ask me about my pain both physically and emotionally. Don't tell me I can try again and at least this wasn't my first pregnancy. I don't want different baby. I want MY baby! And even though I have a beautiful little one at home, doesn't mean it makes it any better."
I hate to say it, but I'm mad at God too. Why did He do this to us? I've always believed in God, but working at my job has definitely opened my eyes to things. From all of the losses that I have seen first hand, I became very aware of God's presence. Then how could He give me one more, huge burden to bare? There are people in this world that do truly evil things, and they have many, many babies. There are women who drink and do drugs while pregnant and still He gives them these beautiful gifts. I watched what I ate, drank plenty of water, got lots of rest, and didn't drink any caffeine trying to give my girl the best start that I could. Why does such unfair things happen to good people and the ungrateful are blessed?
That leads me into the ungrateful. How can people be so selfish? They take for granted of their pregnancies. They don't take care of themselves, harm their babies, or even worse, terminate a perfect life. How can they do that when I would give anything to be in their place?
Sorry for the rant, but I am just so mad! I hate being so negative, but their are somethings that just aren't fare. I hate this so much right now, I don't know what to do.

Bitter Sweet

2010-03-31T08:16:00.002-05:00

I have had a hard time sleeping lately. After Danny goes to bed, I just lay there and think. Once I do get to sleep, I have the most vivid dreams. I dream of Gracie. Last night I dreamt that they made a mistake, and Gracie was fine. She was perfect, and we could take her home. I held her in my arms, nursed her, and watched her with her big sister. Then I wake up and have to remind myself what happened. Does she see how hard this is for me and is trying to comfort me? To tell me that she is ok and is being loved on by Jesus and all of our family and friends that are with her? I feel so great in the dreams and then everything comes crashing down when I wake up.
Ok, need to be positive. I guess in my dreams is my chance to be a mother to Gracie, to feel her, touch her, kiss her, and for her to just be mine. When I was pregnant, I was always worried about Ava the most. I was worried that she would suffer by not getting the same attention, love, and time. I don't have to worry about that anymore. I have Ava all to myself during the day and my angel with me in my dreams.

Coloring Easter Eggs

2010-03-30T09:53:00.005-05:00

This past weekend, we colored our Easter eggs. Ava loved it! I'm hoping the weather will cooperate this weekend so we can have our Easter egg hunt outside. You may want to look at the pictures from the bottom up. I got a new computer, and it's taking me a while to figure everything out. Enjoy!

We'll see

2010-03-29T08:31:00.002-05:00

Well today is Danny's first day back to work. I was dreading it the whole day yesterday. I asked Danny how he felt about it, and he just said he was bummed about going back to work. He was quiet most of the day yesterday, and if you know him at all that is so not like him. I just hope he doesn't try to be strong for me and keep everything bottled up.
Last night was a little rough for both of us. We both kept waking up during the night. It's hard to believe that it has already been a week since we lost Gracie. I woke up last night right before the time I had her last week. It's already been a week since I rode in the ambulance with my baby girl in my arms. Time goes by so fast but so slow at the same time.
We brought Gracie's ashes home this weekend. I was surprised how much better it made me feel. I know that her little body was "empty" because her beautiful soul is in Heaven, but it really bothered me knowing her body was by herself with no one who loved her.
We are trying to get back into the swing of things. Yesterday we colored Easter eggs. Ava loved it! I got some pictures, so I'll try to post them soon. This has definitely opened our eyes to the "little" moments that are so huge and important to both Danny and I.
Speaking of Easter, I am dreading it. We usually do a lot with our families. I am the type of person that I'm fine until someone brings our loss up and I'm a bawl baby mess after that. I have been trying to keep my distance from everyone lately. Don't get me wrong, all of the messages, cards, emails, and flowers have helped so much. I just can't seem to face anyone. I can tell people want to say things, but don't quite know what to say. I totally understand, but I would just rather stay at home. It's weird but I find it harder to be around the family members that I'm closer to rather than people I occasionally see. I think it is because they are all hurting right along with me, and I don't want them to hurt. Again, it's just going to be day by day.
Several people have asked how Ava is doing. Luckily, the only time she heard about her baby sister was during conversation with family. We didn't' think she would understand until right before Gracie was born, so we really didn't talk to her about being a big sister. She slept through everything that night thank goodness! What was really hard was I had ordered a Katy Duck big sister book to put in her Easter basket. The day I got released from the hospital, there it was in our mailbox. That was really hard, but I'm just going to save it because Ava will be a big sister again sometime.

Bad mood bears

2010-03-28T09:17:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was another bad day for me. Not only was I gloomy, but I started to get plain mad. Yes I may be a little sensitive these days, but I can't believe what people say in front of me. No I don't want to hear about someone else getting pregnant, how there pregnancy is going, or pick out a baby shower gift from their registry. I am by no means mad at other women who are pregnant or just had a baby, just merely jealous and it brings up the empty dreams that I once had. But please people use your heads, I really don't want to hear about it yet.
Another thing that has really been making me mad is peoples reactions to what we are doing with any memorial gifts we receive for Gracie. We want to plant a memorial garden. These are the responses I get: "Don't you think you are over doing it a little?" and "Why are you doing all of this, you don't even have any memories of her." Yep, this is really what I have been hearing. No we are not over doing it. She was our baby. We have four months of memories and a lifetime full of dreams for her.
I have to say, we have had amazing support overall. I just wish people would think before they say things. Ok, enough with my ranting. On a better note, we are starting to plan a memorial garden for Gracie. We are running into problems though because we aren't planning on staying in this house forever. I'm trying to come up with some ideas for a garden that includes only planted flowers and a tree. I don't want it to look goddy, and I'm not very creative so we are a little stumped right now. Any suggestions or ideas would be greatly appreciated at this point..

Not much I can say for yesterday

2010-03-27T11:16:00.002-05:00

Yesterday started off pretty good. I got to hold my girl one last time on this earth and spent the day with my hubby and Ava. Later in the afternoon, I went out grocery shopping. There were newborns and pregnant women everywhere. I totally lost my focus, grabbed what I had to, and got out of there as fast as I could. After that, I was a complete mess for the rest of the day. I simply couldn't function. All I wanted to do is lay in bed and cry, which I did. Danny and I had originally planned to have a date night last night. He said we didn't have to go, but by late evening I worked up the gusto to at least go out to eat. We brought Ava with us too because I have been really paranoid lately that if Ava or Danny is away from me, something bad will happen to them. Totally crazy, I know. Anyway we got to the restaurant and there sitting right in my line of vision was a brand new baby girl. My heart sank, my appetite vanished, and I couldn't think of anything else but what I would be missing out on come September. Danny didn't know what I was seeing until we were walking out. I have never seen him scoop Ava up and walk out so fast in my life. There was a fried of his sitting behind the family, and he didn't even acknowledge them. I think he just wanted to get out of there as much as I did. It's something that we will just have to get used to. I'm really worried about going back to work. There are babies, losses of babies, and pregnant coworkers everywhere. This is definitely harder than I thought it would be.

Back to me

2010-03-26T08:50:00.002-05:00

Yesterday we went back to the funeral home to finalize some things. After we were done with things the funeral director asked if I wanted to hold Gracie one last time. Yes I wanted to. I think Danny was a little nervous because he didn't want me to get upset if she didn't look the same. When he came back with her, she was wrapped so sweetly in a little blanket. She still looked absolutely perfect. I held her one last time, counted every finger and toe, and just talked to her. I had no idea how much this would mean to me and how much more closure it gave.
With Danny having such a bad day the day before and me loving to get to hold my girl, I thought the day would be ok. Oh how wrong I was. By evening, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The feelings and memories came flooding back like it had just happened. Like always, Danny was there for me. I can't tell you how much he has helped me through all of this. I'm dreading him going back to work next week. I guess I'll just have to take it day by day like I have been.
Thanks again for everyone who has sent cards, flowers, food, and encouraging words. You have no idea how much this has helped us through this.

Taking turns

2010-03-25T09:00:00.002-05:00

Well, it seems like Danny and I have been taking turns having our bad days. The first two days were definitely mine, but yesterday was Danny's turn. He is such a strong man, and it was hard to see him mourn. This is something that we will just have to take day by day and sometimes even minute by minute.
I went to see my OB yesterday for the first time since we lost Gracie. I was dreading sitting in that waiting room full of pregnant women and strollers full of little ones. All I could think was, "this should be me". Once I got in the exam room, peace just flooded me. I absolutely love my OB. She cried right along with me. It was like she could read my mind. I didn't even have to open my mouth, and she was already discussing my next concern. She said that losing Gracie shouldn't have happened. We are going to be doing some genetic testing. This is so weird, but I am hoping there was a genetic reason why God took her from us so soon. At least that would give me some closure. If not, we will just face that when it comes.
Today we are going back to the funeral home to finalize everything. I hope today is a better day, but we will just have to wait and see. I loved what Danny said to me last night, "it will never be better, it will just be different." How absolutely true.
Thanks to everyone who is still offering support, encouraging words, thoughts, and prayers. Without them, we could not be handling this as well as we have.

Some hard parts

2010-03-24T08:28:00.002-05:00

So I thought I was on the road to being a little more positive. I guess that trip is being postponed for a little bit. After a night full of vivid, heartbreaking dreams, I woke up in a cloud of doom and gloom.
There are some things that no one tells you about or prepares you for. I couldn't believe how perfectly formed Gracie was. She was a little baby, and I think that makes things harder. I counted every toe and every finger. They were normal, they were perfect.
Another thing I wasn't ready for, breast milk. The thought never crossed my mind. With Ava, this was part of my greatest memories in those early days. There is nothing like bonding with your little one while they are nursing. So here I am, making milk and my arms ache for her.
Ok, I'm done for now. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

One day at a time...

2010-03-23T16:53:00.002-05:00

Wow, I can't believe how hard this is. I couldn't get to sleep last night, I just wasn't tired. You would think I would be exhausted not sleeping for over 36 hours, but I wasn't. I just replaying everything that had happened. I did manage to get four hours of sleep or so. The horrible part was when I woke up, I didn't realize right away that I wasn't pregnant anymore. Then all of the feelings and memories came flooding back from the night before. I can't explain the feeling of one day feeling your baby moving inside of you to the next day being literally "empty".
It's weird, but all I want to do is be around Danny. I haven't been that way since we first started dating. I think he has noticed because he's taking the week off to stay home with me. I always try to find some kind of good in everything that is bad, so I guess I just found one. This has brought the two of us closer together than ever before.
Today we went to the funeral home. At the hospital they offered to have her cremated and put in a "common grave". They said all of the amputations are put in the same place together. The location would be unknown. I couldn't imagine miss Gracie together with a bunch of arms and legs, so we decided to make our own arrangements. I was dreading going to the funeral home, and I could tell Danny didn't want to do it either. Once we got there, it wasn't that bad at all. We made all of the arrangements and picked out everything we wanted. It was like a huge burden was lifted off of us when we left.
I definitely have my ups and downs. One minute I'll be laughing with Danny and the next, I'll be crying. It's so hard to explain how devastating it is. I never thought it would be so hard considering I never saw the baby, but she was my baby.
I also can't believe some of the things people say to you. "I know how you feel" (I don't mind this when they really do know how I feel, but if you've never lost a child, you don't know how it feels.) "You still have one child." "You can have another baby." Most likely people just aren't sure what to say because I've been in that position when you want to comfort, but you really don't know what to say.
I have been asked when we will try again. I honestly don't know. I do feel like I want to be pregnant again, but I think that's just to try to overshadow the pain I'm having right now. I do want to have another child. I don't know if it will be sooner rather than later. I was getting fond of the idea of having kids that were closer in age. It may be a long way down the road, too. I think I would be a nervous wreck the whole time, and I really don't know what I would do if I had to do this again.
I follow another website of this amazing, inspirational woman/mother. She does "birth stories". I love this idea. Even though this wasn't planned to happen this way, Gracie still has her very own "birth story". I'm sure sometime I will sit down and write about it.
I'm almost done rambling :). I have found that this blog has helped and reading other peoples' stories who have gone through the same thing is really starting the healing process. Who knows, maybe mine will help someone in return.

Gracie Rose McGraw

2010-03-22T12:39:00.003-05:00

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a mother?"
And I know I heard Him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
With Confidence in His voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
And cleared His throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
But my mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight Here!"
I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your child is ok.
Your baby is here in My home,
And this is where she'll stay.
She'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come Home,
She'll be at the gates waiting for you.

So now you see
what makes a mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Mommy and Daddy love you so much, Gracie Rose, and we will see you again someday.

So Far.....

2010-03-19T08:53:00.002-05:00

So far.... it's a girl! I couldn't believe that they could actually tell this early on ultrasound. That's why I'm a little skeptical still. I have thought from the beginning that it's a girl though. Now I keep picturing a life with "the girls". The good: the bonding (I never had that because my sisters and I are so far apart in age) and the money I will save early on (I already have all the girls clothes). The bad: the future fighting (over clothes, boys, and everything in between) and the teen age years (all I can say is please God be with us for that one). It should be an adventure to say the least.
Yesterday I went up to work, yes I'm still on bed rest. I had to get some papers signed since I'll be off of work for a while. I completely forgot to tell everyone my new news. I was so loving being up there, I forgot completely about myself. I never realized how much I love my job and the great people I work with. Can I tell you, I work with the most amazing people?! You never realize how great you have it until you don't have it. I never thought I would say this but I miss going to work. Wow, I'll probably regret that in the months to come.

Update

2010-03-17T19:36:00.002-05:00

I went to my regular OB today. Here's the report, I lost 4 lbs ( I don't know how because I've been craving ice cream and pizza lately), my cervix is still thin but holding steady, and I start progesterone shots in a week. The shots will help me stop contracting which could be leading to a shortened cervix. I know, TMI, but I really don't have much else going in my life right now. Anyway, the shots- I only have to have once a week. I called Danny and told him the news. On a side note, Danny is not horrible for not going with me, I always wanted to go by myself with Ava and with this one too. I don't know why, but I do. So I called Danny and told him he gets to give me my shots every week. This is what I got back..... silence
Me: "hello?"
silence
Me: "are you still there"
Danny: "are you being serious?"
Me: "yes I am, I need these shots once a week"
Danny: "you know how I am with needles, I'll puke for sure"
Me: "well I guess you have a week to get over yourself and put your big boy pants on."
Ok so here's the really mean part, I had already recruited my cousin who is also a nurse to come do them for me. I think I'll just let Danny worry about it until the time comes :). I told you, totally mean, but it's the only entertainment I have these days. I have another appointment with my maternal/fetal doctor tomorrow, so we will see if there's anything new to report.

Missing Out!

2010-03-13T20:28:00.003-06:00

I have only been on bed rest for a week, and it really stinks! It may sound great to most people: watching tv and reading books all day, doing absolutely no housework, and staying in your pj's all day. After a couple of days, it really loses its attractiveness.
It seems like I have been missing out on so much this week. With the weather getting nicer and nicer, all I want to do is take Ava outside and draw with chalk, go on stroller rides, and watch her just explore. Danny did take her out one day when it was especially nice, but I know he is exhausted once he gets home from work. That's another thing too. Danny has been doing awesome picking up my slack, but I feel so guilty. Do I tell him what needs to be done? Which to him probably comes across as me nagging. Or do I keep my mouth shut and wait until he sees what needs to be done? Ok wives, we all know where that option gets us- nothing, I think the male species is blind to dirty dishes and empty sock drawers.
Another thing I am totally bummed about is my missed mom's night out. This was going to be the first year I was going to the Hearts at Home conference in Bloomington with my friend Julie. We had it all planned out and all of our classes had been hand picked by us. Of course I couldn't go. You have no idea how much I was looking forward to it. I am definitely going next year! I hope you had fun, Julie! We'll be the first ones in the door for the 2011 conference!
I know I shouldn't complain because all of these things that I'm missing out on will be a small price to pay for the end result that we are hoping and praying for. I guess it's the unknown that I'm so worried about. In the end, will I be doing all of this for nothing?

Break Downs and Bed Rest

2010-03-11T12:16:00.002-06:00

We've had a major break down in the house. Me,no, computer yes. Apparently, we got a very yucky virus from Facebook. I blame it on Farmville because Danny is always on it, and I just don't see the entertainment factor. Anyway, instead of paying to get it fixed, which would be more expensive than what it was actually worth, we got a new computer (thanks mom). I'm still getting used to it, so this should be interesting.
As many already know or found out from my previous post, I'm pregnant!!! It seems like I can't do anything the easy way these days. I started bleeding during my 11th week and have continued into my 14th. Turns out my cervix is thinning, so to bed rest I go. :( I went to my first maternal fetal appt. today. The doctor said I am still in "the woods" and wants to see me weekly for an ultrasound. I am just a bundle of nerves and guilt.
I feel so bad because I can't do anything around the house or for Ava anymore. I just lay in bed like a slug. It has been amazing to see all of the great supporters I have. Danny has been awesome. Now he gets up early for work and comes home to cook, clean, and keep Ava entertained. My mom, oh what a savior she's been. She comes to pick Ava up every morning, cooks or orders out dinner for us, and has been going crazy getting things for me to do all day. The latest adventure, Jo Anne's. I'm not very crafty so this should be interesting. My grandma has been such a trooper too. When my mom has to work a couple of days a week, which is usually when I have my days off, she has been watching Ava. She doesn't complain one bit. I do feel really guilty for Ava though. I can't do anything for her, play with her like I used to, or even pick her up. She has had such a good attitude with it. I just hope that if she does end up with a sibling, she isn't jealous. My friend, Julie, has also been a huge help too. I couldn't have done it without all of her encouraging words and prayers. I have to stop and think how much worse things could be and how her family would always find the best in things. Oh what amazing people God has made, and I have the privilege to be surrounded by them.
Enough rambling for now. I will keep everyone posted how things go. Whatever the outcome, we will find the best in whatever God brings our way!

Magnificant Monday!

2010-03-01T07:40:00.002-06:00

Such a trooper!

2010-02-19T20:20:00.002-06:00

Thought I would change my attitude and be a little bit more positive. I can't believe what a good, little girl I have had lately. When I haven't been feeling so perky, she gives me lots of kisses and plays quietly in her room. She hasn't even been putting up a fight to go to bed either. She even asks to go to bed, just like she did when she was younger. Or when I'm starting to get a little grouchy :), she asks, "do you need a hug?" We still have our occasional tantrums and meltdowns, but not nearly as many as before. She has helped me so much through this stressful time.
Just tonight we were dancing in her room, she took my hand and said, "mom, you're my best friend." How could you be anything but be in a good mood after that?! I have been blessed with such an amazing, spirited, and caring girl.
"You're my best friend too, tootsie"!

Still Stressing!

2010-02-16T15:27:00.002-06:00

If anyone knows me at all, you know that I despise change. I'm the person who gets the same thing at my favorite restaurant, gets ready in the same order every morning, and has to make sure my towels are folded the same way every time. I am a creature of consistency. Lately my struggle to push away change has been pushing against me, and I am losing horribly.
Our house is officially on the market. I am excited to move, but sad at the same time. Won't I miss our first house as a married couple or the walls that I gazed at as I was nursing Ava every hour every night for the first month? Also, the stress of keeping the house clean and put together all of the time just in case there is a showing while I'm at work. I don't know how people manage to sell there homes and keep it neat and tidy while still "living" in it.
Then, what if our house doesn't sell?! Oh, I am just at a cross roads. I need to just give into the change and go with the flow just like I do in my work life, but I've got to have control over something! HELP!

Fun City!

2010-02-09T09:16:00.004-06:00

Over the weekend, my family took the little kids to Fun City in Burlington. It was a lot of fun! The water was a little too cold for me, but the kids didn't seem to notice one bit. Poor Ava's lips were blue and her whole body was shaking from head to toe, but she didn't want to get out. She didn't even get out to eat lunch, just an icee for her! When we left, we stopped for an early dinner and some birthday cake (someone will be turning 27 soon :) ). Before we even got out of Burlington, Ava was sound asleep. This was a really nice break from all of the snow and cold weather. I think we will be definitely doing this again.

just an update

2010-02-01T19:27:00.002-06:00

Things have really been slow around here lately, which isn't always a bad thing. We've looked at a couple of houses, but nothing has struck us yet. I'm hoping more houses go on sale once spring comes along.
This weekend a bunch of my family is going to Fun City with all the little kids. I've never been there, but I'm sure the little ones will have a lot of fun. The only thing that I'm dreading is getting into a swimming suit! I haven't been in one for at least two years. I tried some on in the store the other day and wow is all I can say. Maybe I'll just buy a wet suit:)

Stressed Out!!

2010-01-25T09:36:00.002-06:00

Nothing new really going on here, but everything seems to be weighing me down lately. Normally, I'm a pretty positive person, but a bunch of "little" challenges have been piling one on top of another. My FIL's cancer is back, so that means more chemo/radiation and leaving Danny with fear, anger, and uncertainty. Then there's Ava. She has been wanting to be more and more independent. This should be good, but it seems like I have too much to do in the short amount of hours in the day, and being independent means I must have more patience and more time :(. Then the biggy that has been giving me sleepless nights. We have decided to move. Danny wants to get another fixer-upper, but I am unsure. I remember all of the work, stress, tears, and oh the mess!!! I'm leaning towards paying more for a house that doesn't need all of that TLC, but will I be happy with that decision for the next 15- 30 years? Oh, I just don't know what to do with all of this. Then I feel even worse when I think of all of those who's problems are so much bigger than mine. I'm just at a loss.

Home Projects

2010-01-18T09:04:00.003-06:00

I know everyone has been waiting in great anticipation for my next post (yeah right). Not a whole lot has been going on around here lately. I did, however, get some motivation lately. When Danny and I moved into our house, our first house, we had a lot of work to do. Although it was a great house, it looked like an old person lived there. Every room was covered in shag carpet. We had all the colors of the rainbow; aqua, brown, bright orange, green, and blue. Needless to say, we put in all new flooring. Next to the walls. They were all wood paneling- yuck. I wanted to tear them down and put up drywall. Since Danny would be the one doing all of this, he talked me into painting the paneling and if I still didn't like it, he would tear them all done. Much to his relief, I loved the look. It looks like an old country house. Anyway, by the time my mom and I painted EVERY room in the house, we were so sick of painting, that was the last thing we wanted to do. Well, our dining room didn't quite turn out how I wanted. I was hoping for a deep yellow, and I got bright yellow. After 3 years of living here, I finally worked up the energy to repaint it. Of course I had to have a helper, but this time it wasn't my mom:).

Oh, that yellow was blinding!

Ava did a great job. And yes I know she isn't even close to matching, but they worked for painting. She has been into picking out her own clothes lately, and we won't even go there right now.

I forgot to get a picture of the final project, but it turned out great! Danny came home that night and said it looked really good. He liked it so much, he thought I should repaint our bedroom next. I told him since I love painting so much ( I despise painting) he may have to wait another 3 years.

Bitter Sweet

2010-01-03T17:07:00.003-06:00

As mentioned by a previous post, I went with the bare essentials in Christmas decorations this year. Partly because I'm busy and lazy, but the main reason is my uncertainty and longing. As many know, I'm a PICU nurse. This is more than just a a job for me but has become a big part of my life. I have been struggling lately and wondering if this is where I am supposed to be and if this is what I am supposed to be doing.
I have really connected to several families and have gotten particularly close with a few :). Normally, if someone heard me say this, they would think great, what a great perk of the job. Who wouldn't love making new friends. However, these friendships don't come in the usual way. Most of these relationships have come because a child has died.
Lately, the memories, bonds, and longing have taken there toll. Some days I feel honored to share such a precious part of life. Other days, I just feel plain crummy. Most days I just feel misunderstood and alone. People in the "outside world" just don't understand what goes on everyday. I mean, how many people have sat and rocked a baby who has just gone to Heaven and sang to them for a while? The same song you used to sing to them everyday you were with them; "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine....". These kids aren't just go to work, get the job done, and go home. These kids are our lives, and it makes me so mad when people don't see it this way.
Anyway, sorry for the tangent, back on track now. So I was taking down the Christmas tree and putting all of the ornaments back in the tub that would sit in the basement until next year. This year I decided to only put up bows, ball ornaments, and an angel- nothing else. I had everything put together on the table ready to transport to storage when something caught my eye.

Do you see it?
On the angel there is an ornament. I totally forgot putting it up. My grandma gave this to me the year my grandpa passed away. This is what it says.

Merry Christmas From Heaven
I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes
and all of your cares
I'll even remind you
to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment
to stay in His grace
I came here before you
to help set your place

You don't have to be
perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb

To my family and friends
please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you
In a new special way

I love you all dearly
now don't shed a tear
Cause I'm spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year

I guess this was an answer to my many questions. I will keep on loving those babies and families as much as I can. I will laugh, hug, and cry just like before. I will even sit and rock for as long as I have to to say my goodbyes.
"Please don't take my sunshine away"

Christmas Part III

2009-12-30T11:58:00.003-06:00

Christmas Eve night, Grandpa and Nanna came over. I was scheduled to work on Christmas, so we celebrated everything a day early. Even Santa came a day early- you gotta love that big guy :)

Stand back Nanna, I can handle this myself.

She loved her bean bag chair and her Barbie car!

Here she is just being silly and wearing a box for a hat.
Thanks Nanna and Grandpa!

Christmas Part II

2009-12-30T11:39:00.004-06:00

The day before Christmas, Ava and I made cookies for Santa. She was so excited for Santa to try them!

The first thing she saw was her train table with her Thomas the Trains. She was so excited when she saw it coming down the stairs. She yelled, "oh, thank you santa!!" Too stinkin' cute. We had to wait a while for her to play with her train so she could open the rest of her gifts.

Ok, so we finally got to the rest of the presents.

She loved unwrapping everything.

Some of her favorites besides her train.
Elefun!

And her Wonder Pets! Dad loved this one so much it is now at Grandma's! I guess it is kind of loud, but she loves it and that's what matters :)

And of course, paint. It was so exciting to see her this year. I think this was the first year that she somewhat understood what was going on. Next year should be even more fun!

Lazy snow days and masterpieces

2009-12-22T10:15:00.005-06:00

Today it was my turn to be on call at work, so I decided Ava and I would have a lazy day. What's wrong with staying in your pj's until noon? Instead of wrapping the last of the Christmas presents (which I need to do) I hung up some painting masterpieces.

This one is my favorite. It looks like a frog sitting under the bright, blue sky. Can you see it?

Christmas Party Part I

2009-12-22T10:01:00.002-06:00

Well, Our first Christmas party came on Sunday. We headed over to my Aunt Diane's house in the falling snow. Ava couldn't wait to see her cousin, Bella. They played at the piano for the longest time.

Ava has gotten to the age where it has been quite a struggle teaching her to share. I couldn't get over how fabulous Bella was with Ava, even though Ava wasn't always the best playmate- sorry Bella :(

She got lots of great gifts. She got A LOT of paint which is perfect for her. She was ready to open them up as soon as she opened the gift bags.
She also got a really cool puzzle from her grandpa. It's a wooden fish puzzle with a magnetic fishing pole. She has been going to bed with it every night since Sunday!

We left the party a little early because Ava hadn't had a nap that day, and things were getting a little hairy. We couldn't resist tromping through the newly, fallen snow. Yes everyone, she is playing in the snow in tights.

Besides a temper tantrum and a squabble or two, we had a great day!

First Movie Theater Experience.

2009-12-15T10:06:00.004-06:00

Sunday, my mom, two sisters, Ava and I went to see The Princess and the Frog. This was Ava's first trip to the movie theater. I was a little worried that the movie wouldn't hold Ava's attention the entire time. Boy was I wrong!

She was mesmerized the entire time! Well, until she fell asleep that is. She lasted almost to the end, but her nap time was calling.

My little tootsie had a fantastic time! I can't wait to take her to more fun movies and fill up on popcorn and slushies!

Mmmmm, Delicious!

2009-12-12T21:01:00.003-06:00

So our original plans for today were postponed due to weather :( Maybe next week, Julie.
I felt bad that Ava wouldn't have anything fun to do, so she spent the afternoon decorating the house, a gingerbread house that is.

The decorations.
When Ava came out to the table she said,"mmm delicious". I think she thought this was her lunch :0

She got the hang of it right away.

And, Drum Roll Please..........

Ta Da!!!!

Disney Princesses on Ice!

2009-12-10T13:45:00.003-06:00

Last week, Ava and her cousin Chloe went to see Disney Princesses on Ice! I was a little worried that Ava wouldn't be able to go because she started getting some upper respiratory problems a couple of days before that. Luckily, the day of the show all she had were some sick looking eyes, a runny nose, and an occasional cough. Both of the girls had a lot of fun. I think the two moms accompanying them enjoyed it a lot too! I didn't get the best pictures because I didn't use my flash. I didn't want to be held responsible for any accidents on the ice due to a blinding flash:)

This is Cinderella's carriage. They had these really cool glow in the dark horses.

My favorite the fairies from Sleeping Beauty.

Ava during intermission trying on her Minnie Mouse ears.

We can't do anything without some popcorn!

All of the princes and princesses.

Look at those poor, sick, little eyes :( She had a lot of fun though!

Getting Ready for Christmas

2009-12-07T12:51:00.007-06:00

Christmas is coming so fast this year. I am pretty proud of myself having all of my Christmas shopping done, but I still need to wrap almost everything. Besides the shopping, we had to decorate the house. This year we (ie me) decided to only put up the bare essentials. I get so tired of hauling everything up from the basement, put things out for a month, and then cart everything back downstairs. You may call me a scrooge, but I prefer simplistic :)

Part of the "essentials" is all of the Christmas toys that talk and sing.

Fitting for Ava, don't you think?

I had to include this masterpiece. Ava and I just made this today. Isn't it cute?!

Sleepovers and All Nighters

2009-11-28T20:04:00.003-06:00

After almost two and a half years, Ava had her first sleepover- well kind of. She has never slept in any other bed but her own, until now. She got to sleep over at her grandma's house. She camped out on the floor with her Aunt Laney. I guess she was so excited, she woke up at 5:00, sorry Grandma.
You may ask, "what was the special occasion?" Well, only the biggest shopping day of the year! The women of the family look forward to this day the whole year. Drum Roll Please. It is the one, the only, BLACK FRIDAY!!! After having our Thanksgiving dinner, we all sit down with our ads and make our plan of attack. We were all so excited, this year's mission would get started at 2200 sharp. For those of you who aren't familiar with military time, that's 10:00 pm. That's right, 10:00 at night. All of us girls pulled an all-nighter shopping. To make the trip even more memorable, Toby's girlfriend, Megan, joined us for her very first black Friday experience. I don't think she knew what to expect, but I think she had a pretty good time. Now that she got her feet wet, I hope she will have even more fun next year. I got some pretty good deals, and even got a good chunk of my Xmas shopping presents bought.
Of course I had to save some presents to buy on Monday. What's so special about Monday? My very good friend Julie and I are going shopping! You may remember when we took the kids on the train to Chicago. Well, we had so much fun, Julie and I decided to have a mom's only shopping trip. Can I tell you how excited I am? What could be better than a day filled with shopping, popcorn, hustle, and bustle with Christmas in the air? Well, enjoying it with one of my besties, of course!! Watch out Chicago, here we come.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-23T10:40:00.006-06:00

I know this post is a little early, but I didn't think I would get to it in time for turkey day! To incorporate Ava's love to paint and Thanksgiving coming up, this is what she made. Enjoy!

Ok, mom, all of those times you tell me not to paint on myself, now you tell me to paint on my hands?

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Monkey Girl!

2009-11-21T19:27:00.005-06:00

If you know anything about Ava, you know she can climb! She started climbing before she could walk. This has caused me many gray hairs and many band aids. After constantly getting after her for climbing on things, I decided to give a new approach a try. I thought maybe if I let her fall and get hurt just once (I know, just call me mother of the year:) ) she wouldn't do it anymore. Well, that approach has done nothing for the cause. Now whenever she falls, she just giggles and tries it again. Huh, I keep hoping it is a stage and it will pass, but this is going to be a very long stage, I am afraid.
This is what she has recently learned how to do.
I was calling for her to come upstairs to get her pj's on. I heard her coming up the stairs, but she was taking a really long time- not good.
Me: "Ava what are you doing"
Ava: "I'm coming up the stairs"
And this is what I find.

I like our cat in the background on this one. She's probably thinking, "finally, it's not me getting in trouble."

I can't wait until this stage ends. It is wearing me out. On the plus side, I won't have to dust in between the banister posts anymore:)

Ava's First Hair cut!!

2009-11-18T13:09:00.008-06:00

After numerous requests by Ava to get her hair cut, we finally did it! I was a little nervous when I made the appointment. That whole day, all I wanted to do was cancel. I just wasn't ready to have the hair that she was born with to be cut quite yet. Anyway, I sucked it up and went through with it. Ava loved it!! She couldn't stop looking at herself in the mirror. I wasn't sure if she would sit still long enough for Kara (who I went to high school with and had numerous sleepovers with- so she made the big step extra special) to cut her hair evenly, so I brought along a portable DVD player and a Clifford movie. I didn't need to bring the extra entertainment along at all.

Here she is patiently waiting her turn in the chair!

It was like I wasn't even in the room. The two of them just talked like Ava was a regular client：）．

Ｈｅｒｅ　ｉｓ　ｍｙ　ｂｉｇ　ｇｉｒｌ，　ｉｓｎ’ｔ　ｓｈｅ　ｂｅａｕｔｉｆｕｌ！！！

Chef Ava

2009-11-16T21:26:00.002-06:00

Ava has found a new love.... cooking. She loves to pour, stir, taste, splatter, and repeat.

"Watch out Dada, I can do that myself"

Operation Christmas Child

2009-11-11T20:09:00.003-06:00

This year we decided to try something new. You fill a shoe box full of goodies, and the shoe boxes get distributed to kids around the world who probably have never received a present before. I was only going to do one shoe box this year, but it was so much fun, I couldn't stop myself.

It was so much fun gathering all sorts of presents for the boxes. Ava even helped pack the boxes. At first I thought she would have a hard time giving toys away, but she was eager to have other kids get their "birthday presents"- well, close enough.

I'm planning on making more boxes for next year. This time, I'll have the whole year to collect a lot of little treasures :).